I got 99 problems and this broken fucking scanner is all of them.

Figuring out when you passed out by looking at your Fitbit stats. PGP.

My favorite college bar got condemned. PGP.

I’ve been sandbagging my sales this month since I knew I wasn’t going to make my bonus two weeks ago. PGP.

The handicap stall in my office has the worst cell reception. PGP.

I would give anything to sleep in for an 8am class.

Someone in my office anonymously left a brochure for AA on my desk.

I frequently walk home blackout from the bars to save money. PGP

There’s a 95 percent chance I will be sitting on the toilet in the handicapped stall when the rapture happens. PGP

My only Tinder match for the week has been the Bud Light Down for Whatever profile. PGP