I wear lots of neutral colors to symbolize my inability to make any sort of decision with my life whatsoever. “Devin, what are you doing today?” Well, I woke up today so let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
“I have a good member, I have a job, I have a dog, I have a roof over my head, I can heat food good, I wear clothes, I will protect you from the stereotypical-type-of-dude-you’re -used-to-dating-up-until-you-woke-up-and-realized-that-you-don’t-have-to-take-a-beating-for-burning-the-casserole-anymore, I won’t leave you since my end goal is to be a stay at home dad. For business inquiries, please contact…”
I have a love/ hate relationship with this show because I love it in the sense that it’s an escape from the soul crushing reality that it’s Sunday night yet it also makes me hate it because I really wish dragons were real.
I usually bring up the topic of equal pay for women in the workplace when I’m on a date. I give off the male feminist vibe so she dives right in and righteously agrees with me and falls in love with me immediately. Then when the bill comes I keenly look her in the eyes (eye contact is very important, women love that shit) and then I slide my eyes toward the check and signal with my forehead nod that she can pay since she wants to be treated equally in society. Then she gets pissed and leaves then grows out her armpit hair and contemplates becoming a lesbian to try and hide her hypocrisy.
“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. The oligarchs have taken over everything and have killed all that is good. The walls are closing in. Must ration food and hide underground from the impending war with the aliens who created this societal zoo planet.”
To keep my neighbors on their toes, I put up JFK campaign signs and hand out copies of the Operation Northoods Report that shows him defying the elitist collective and then I have a Jumbotron play the Zebruter film on a loop and when the screen goes black a caption comes up that reads “Any Questions?” And then an elderly man stands out front of my driveway waving to passers by and handing out smiley face stickers.
Listen intern, I inderstand you have to prove your worth in the meat grinder but don’t tell me how to live my life, alright. I’ll be getting laid tonight by my mattress after I drink myself into oblivion because that’s the only socially acceptable hobby I have left at age 28. You want me to spend $10 on a movie? Have you looked outside in this shambles of an economy we have? Those $10 could go to something more useful like 2 $5 lattes at my local coffee shop so that I save face and still look highbrow in my community.
Smooth moves like a Sergei Federov, nice. Next time, take her to the Damon Silos to watch the sunset overlooking the city and then leave before it gets too dark because you’ll probably get murdered.
This sounds like a 1950’s version of 50 Shades of Grey. After reading these things, I begin to understand what every dictator in history has tried to accomplish. It kind of makes me want to go from pro proper gun legislation to pro nuclear winter. Just get married and dissolve from societal relevance like everyone else besides Tom And Giselle. Holy shit.
The worst is when you find yourself with a kid who somehow developed a Napoleon Complex that turns out to be a complete douchebag by the time he’s 2 and then you go grocery shopping and realize that this is the perfect setting to ghost him forever but he’s also a stage 5 clinger because he just wants candy and his mom who you don’t even know and won’t stop crying and you’re just there being like “shut up bro, I just want to live my life and do fun shit with my friends and document it on Snapchat but you’re over here being a little piece of trash slowly sucking the life out of me each day” and then you grab some blue box macaroni, sprint out of there before his mom comes back from the cereal isle and hitch hike out of town.
One way to help Jenny find herself so she can be with you is to ask her on a date, take her into a room with a ton of mirrors everywhere but have the lights off. Tell her you’ll brb and then flick the lights on and the problem is solved but then as you both exit the room happily laughing at this unbelievable idea I just gave you, You stub a mirror with your toe, knocking it over and shattering it which gives you bad luck for like 7 years and so you find yourself vulnerable and alone until you’re 32 and by then both girls have already settled and reproduced with shit bags but you’re luck turns around because you get to be the clean up guy when they leave said shit bags for a guy with more money like yourself.
But wait guys, is it really ghosting when our entire lives are an illusion created from our own minds? Oh look, there’s a rabbit hole right over here. Brb
“Capricorn here, I like coffee with little leaf designs in the foam. Pizza ambassador. My life coach recently committed suicide but I remain positive! *upsidedown smiley face emoji*. I can do a pull up so I’m active *flexing arm emoji*. Love sex, really love sex. Lost in the shit abyss of the west coast lifestyle!”
Advertise
You mean, extremely sophisticated poetic genius*
I wear lots of neutral colors to symbolize my inability to make any sort of decision with my life whatsoever. “Devin, what are you doing today?” Well, I woke up today so let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
Cheers man, thank you.
You down voters really dropped the ball on this one. It’s okay, dont worry about it. It’s cool, no seriously, it’s fine.
Don’t worry kids, as you get older you’ll want to stop communicating with people in general, in all forms of technology and platforms.
“I have a good member, I have a job, I have a dog, I have a roof over my head, I can heat food good, I wear clothes, I will protect you from the stereotypical-type-of-dude-you’re -used-to-dating-up-until-you-woke-up-and-realized-that-you-don’t-have-to-take-a-beating-for-burning-the-casserole-anymore, I won’t leave you since my end goal is to be a stay at home dad. For business inquiries, please contact…”
I have a love/ hate relationship with this show because I love it in the sense that it’s an escape from the soul crushing reality that it’s Sunday night yet it also makes me hate it because I really wish dragons were real.
True but I’m going all in and empowering women to reach their full potential, Bill.
I usually bring up the topic of equal pay for women in the workplace when I’m on a date. I give off the male feminist vibe so she dives right in and righteously agrees with me and falls in love with me immediately. Then when the bill comes I keenly look her in the eyes (eye contact is very important, women love that shit) and then I slide my eyes toward the check and signal with my forehead nod that she can pay since she wants to be treated equally in society. Then she gets pissed and leaves then grows out her armpit hair and contemplates becoming a lesbian to try and hide her hypocrisy.
“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. The oligarchs have taken over everything and have killed all that is good. The walls are closing in. Must ration food and hide underground from the impending war with the aliens who created this societal zoo planet.”
To keep my neighbors on their toes, I put up JFK campaign signs and hand out copies of the Operation Northoods Report that shows him defying the elitist collective and then I have a Jumbotron play the Zebruter film on a loop and when the screen goes black a caption comes up that reads “Any Questions?” And then an elderly man stands out front of my driveway waving to passers by and handing out smiley face stickers.
Listen intern, I inderstand you have to prove your worth in the meat grinder but don’t tell me how to live my life, alright. I’ll be getting laid tonight by my mattress after I drink myself into oblivion because that’s the only socially acceptable hobby I have left at age 28. You want me to spend $10 on a movie? Have you looked outside in this shambles of an economy we have? Those $10 could go to something more useful like 2 $5 lattes at my local coffee shop so that I save face and still look highbrow in my community.
Smooth moves like a Sergei Federov, nice. Next time, take her to the Damon Silos to watch the sunset overlooking the city and then leave before it gets too dark because you’ll probably get murdered.
This sounds like a 1950’s version of 50 Shades of Grey. After reading these things, I begin to understand what every dictator in history has tried to accomplish. It kind of makes me want to go from pro proper gun legislation to pro nuclear winter. Just get married and dissolve from societal relevance like everyone else besides Tom And Giselle. Holy shit.
#BoringLivesMatter
The worst is when you find yourself with a kid who somehow developed a Napoleon Complex that turns out to be a complete douchebag by the time he’s 2 and then you go grocery shopping and realize that this is the perfect setting to ghost him forever but he’s also a stage 5 clinger because he just wants candy and his mom who you don’t even know and won’t stop crying and you’re just there being like “shut up bro, I just want to live my life and do fun shit with my friends and document it on Snapchat but you’re over here being a little piece of trash slowly sucking the life out of me each day” and then you grab some blue box macaroni, sprint out of there before his mom comes back from the cereal isle and hitch hike out of town.
One way to help Jenny find herself so she can be with you is to ask her on a date, take her into a room with a ton of mirrors everywhere but have the lights off. Tell her you’ll brb and then flick the lights on and the problem is solved but then as you both exit the room happily laughing at this unbelievable idea I just gave you, You stub a mirror with your toe, knocking it over and shattering it which gives you bad luck for like 7 years and so you find yourself vulnerable and alone until you’re 32 and by then both girls have already settled and reproduced with shit bags but you’re luck turns around because you get to be the clean up guy when they leave said shit bags for a guy with more money like yourself.
But wait guys, is it really ghosting when our entire lives are an illusion created from our own minds? Oh look, there’s a rabbit hole right over here. Brb
“Capricorn here, I like coffee with little leaf designs in the foam. Pizza ambassador. My life coach recently committed suicide but I remain positive! *upsidedown smiley face emoji*. I can do a pull up so I’m active *flexing arm emoji*. Love sex, really love sex. Lost in the shit abyss of the west coast lifestyle!”
So down