I’ll know who my future wife is when we both get pissed at the bartender during last call and both start verbally abusing him at the same time. That’s when I’ll know she’s the one. PGP.

Developing carpal tunnel at age 22. PGP.

“Resting my eyes” at a stoplight. PGP.

“Are you with the young man from the internet?” -my mom texting me about my Tinder date. PGP.

“Crushing spreadsheets” is actually a term I catch myself using often. PGP.

My little brother just graduated law school in the top five percent of his class. My dog got kicked out of obedience school. PGP.

There are two types of people in my office: people with hobbies and people with kids. I have neither. PGP.

1: “How’d you meet your wife?” 2: “Tinder.” PGP.

Got caught Tindering during a meeting. I then had to explain to several of my managers what Tinder was. I can’t tell if they are disgusted or sorry for me. PGP.

The president of my company admitted that I was underpaid, and then proceeded to not give me a raise. PGP.