The combined record of my college team, my pro team, and my two fantasy football teams: 1-12. PGP.

My best friend just bought a house. I just bought a Cheesy Gordita Crunch with change. PGP.

My parents still ask about my high school girlfriend who is married. PGP.

The new Rolaids look delicious. PGP.

Got locked into another year contract of shitty cable because I forgot to cancel my service. PGP.

My friends are all getting engaged. I’m still puking on street corners. PGP.

Dumping a girl due to her obscene student loan debt. PGP.

This whole Ray Rice thing really makes me wonder how many times someone has seen me pick my nose while riding an elevator alone. PGP.

MY CAPSLOCK HAS BEEN STUCK ON FOR TWO DAYS. I’M GOING TO LOSE ALL MY CLIENTS. PGP.

Not being able to enter local businesses because they close at the same time my office does. PGP.