As some of you may know, I am currently funemployed. I got an offer for my dream job, which I start on Monday, and I couldn’t be more excited. My previous job was… fine… but I was getting burnt out on boredom. Dead end jobs suck the life out of you, and I was one silent scream away from an M. Night Shyamalan movie. As a result, I decided to take two weeks off between jobs to mentally recharge, visit my family, and “do all the things I’ve been putting off from my to do list.” I was so optimistic! I made so many lists! Below, you’ll find a listing of what I planned to do during my unemployment vs. what I actually did. Please join me in grading my success.
1. Get Super Skinny
Plan: My new job is notorious for primarily hiring young, very attractive people (no one knows why). I’m not saying this to brag, but I am honestly still unsure why they hired me (other than my brilliant intellect obviously). I am way older than their typical 22-year-old recent graduate candidate and if we’re being honest, I’m pretty average looking (I make up for it with my dazzling personality and a killer smile). No matter what I do, my 27-year-old body will not be able to compete with those 22-year-olds who can still house a large pizza and a handle of tequila with zero bloating the next day, but I was determined to try. I was 100% determined to work out two hours every day (extra cardio, ugh) and count my macros more closely than you monitored your PPR in your brackets.
Execution: 0/10. I made it to the gym exactly one time in the first week of unemployment, I binge drank 6/7 days, and I lost three zucchinis, a package of cubed beef, and an avocado to my complete failure at cooking anything. I ordered delivery four different times. I’m basically not eating again until I start work. Someone please buy me some FitTea.
2. Write All The Things
Plan: “Omg, I’m going to get SO. MUCH. WRITING. DONE!” I thought to myself when I was planning my unemployment. “I’m going to go to that little café down the street, drink all the chai tea lattes, work on my novel, and churn out so much content for PGP that everyone will get sick of me!”
Execution: 0/10. The last thing I wrote was my pros and cons of a gym date article and that was well over a week and a half ago, while I was still working. This is the first thing I have written since making this empty promise to myself. I’m incredibly annoyed at myself and thinking about all the content ideas that are still bouncing around unrealized in my brain makes me sad.
3. Teach Myself To Play Toto’s “Africa” On The Violin
Plan: I play multiple classical instruments: surprise! Violin is one of them and is admittedly my least proficient one. However, two of my friends are getting married and asked me to play the violin at their May wedding. Specifically, they want me to play “Africa” by Toto. I’m not kidding. It makes perfect sense if you know the couple. I already found a slow classical piano arrangement to accompany me, so all I needed to do was transcribe the piano part for violin and practice.
Execution: 0/10. I did not pick up my violin the entire time, and seeing as how the wedding is in two months, I’m very annoyed at myself. The middle of the day when all my neighbors were at work would have been the perfect time to practice. What is wrong with me?
4. Get Drinks With A Reader
Plan: One of the readers on this site was in town for a conference and asked if I wanted to get drinks. I, being the friendly extrovert I am, agreed and stalked him on Twitter to make sure he wouldn’t murder me. I reasoned that meeting up with him would be no worse than meeting up with a Brad from a dating app that I also knew nothing about. I planned to get a few drinks, maybe make a new friend, and head home at a reasonable hour on a Wednesday night.
Execution: 10/10. As it turns out, this particular reader was very cute, funny, age appropriate, and we had a lot in common. Our friendly drinks quickly turned into a date, complete with a dive bar, me beating him at shuffleboard (he will claim to remember the opposite outcome and that I cheated the entire time), more drinks, making out, and then some crazy good hotel sex… I would definitely not classify him as a Brad and we’re still talking daily. Sadly, he lives on the opposite coast, so our super steamy night of passion will probably just remain friendly texting. Sex: 11/10 would recommend to a friend. Riding the elevator in the convention center hotel at 7:30 a.m. on a Thursday in leggings and smeared mascara while smelling aggressively like gin, thereby causing the delegation of Japanese business people who were also on the elevator to judge my life choices: 1/10.
5. Attend A 90s Themed Keg Bus Bar Crawl
Plan: Two of my friends have birthdays in the same week and have established a tradition of a yearly themed keg bus bar crawl. I am always an enthusiastic participant and I love costumes. However, it is important to note that not everyone is as good as drinking at I am, and we regularly lose half the bus by the time we get to the last bar.
Execution: 7/10. My 90s costume was a Lizzie McGuire/Zenon mashup complete with butterfly clips, double buns on top of my head, purple eyeshadow, pink velvet mini dress, and pink hair chalk. My costume was on point. I made it to all the bars, didn’t lose anything, and did not throw up. What I DID do was peace out after the last bar to D.C. landmark Ben’s Chili Bowl to get myself some drunk food. The only down side to this is the incredibly long line. What did I do to pass the time? Oh, you know, I just drunk dialed Charlie and LifeOfAReilly, as a professional will do. Charlie and I allegedly had a brief one-minute conversation because he was busy, and I apparently left LifeOfAReilly an incredibly long rambling voicemail. Killing the game, Quinn.
6. Be A Professional Mentor
Plan: For reasons unbeknownst to me, my career director from my masters program thinks I’m successful. As a result, she sends me soon to be graduates who want to break into my field, so I can give them professional advice. The most recent of my mentees is a sweet 23-year-old who is very smart, but very shy, and doesn’t drink much.
Execution: 5/10. I did have drinks with my new mentee and we hit it off spectacularly. So spectacularly in fact, that our professional happy hour turned into me getting her blackout drunk on a Tuesday night and trolling the bar for Brads. There was some professional advice in there somewhere I think… but the real culmination of my professional mentorship was inviting her to the aforementioned 90s keg bus. She doesn’t drink much, so this was obviously a terrible choice. End result: she and one of my male friends hit it off and went home together. That sounds great, right? Well, the second they made it back to his place she ended up projectile vomiting everywhere for hours. On top of that she was supposed to be working at an admissions event the following morning at 10 a.m. and showed up a little drunk from the night before. Oops…
7. Interactive Burlesque Brunch
Plan: When I say things like, “we brunch hard,” I am in no way, shape, or form exaggerating. As part of the weekend of birthday celebrations, we like to attend an interactive burlesque dance party brunch where they black out all the windows and forbid any phones or photography. There are games like, “Dick Ring Toss,” “Sex Change,” and “Who Can Lick Nutella Off Their Partner The Fastest.” These all involve taking clothes off in some way, shape, or form.
Execution: 10/10. We participated in the games, we danced the hardest, and we started the trend of everyone dancing topless. We also killed 31 bottles of champagne among 11 people, I had a business card stuffed in my bra, and we danced on the tables. If that’s not worthy of a perfect score, I don’t know what is.
So that’s what I’ve done with my period of unemployment. I’m currently resting and recuperating at the beach with my parents, hoping to get the alcohol out of my system before I start the new job on Monday. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually get some reading, writing, and relaxation done this time?.
Image via Shutterstock