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Think about the first few days of your week for a minute. It’s a slog. Crippling anxiety hangs like a fog over my head for most of the day Sunday. I go about my Sunday routine, which is to say I make an attempt at finishing laundry and hitting up a grocery store for essentials for the week ahead. I do these things so that I’m not laying in bed all day dreading the return to work. We know what happens on Sundays. It sucks, but until you retire or die, Sunday is always going to be that one day of the week where fear, loathing, and liquor-induced sweating all comes together to create a perfect storm inside of your head and out of shape body.
Monday is terrible, but come on. It’s not that bad when you really think about it. Let’s assume you didn’t go out for brunch Sunday and exclusively drank water with a wedge of lemon all day. The alarm at 7:05 a.m. hits you like a brick shithouse, but that’s not uncommon. 7:05 a.m. is early as shit for everyone. And once you’re up, you’re up for good. So the shower lasts no longer than 15 minutes, getting dressed takes ten minutes tops, and you’re out the door and in the office promptly at 8:00 a.m.
For most, I’m going to assume that Monday morning does not mean loads of productivity. When I think of Monday morning, I think Patrick Bateman. He tosses his topcoat to Janice, tells her to hold all of his calls, and flicks to a rerun of “Jeopardy!” on his 13-inch office television. Our form of “Jeopardy!” circa 2016 is closer to a soothing Spotify playlist and a couple videos that inexplicably went viral over the weekend. And then it’s lunch all of a sudden and before you know it’s 3 or 4 o’clock and you say to yourself “You know what? Monday really isn’t all that bad.” And you go home and make dinner. Monday never gets too high and never gets too low. And right around 8:00 or 9:00 p.m. on Monday night the real nightmare begins.
I’m talking about Tuesday. It’s a fickle beast, that Tuesday. It creeps up on you in a way that no other day can. Tuesday is nowhere close to the weekend, and the thought of another four days at work as you get in the shower in the morning is enough to make you want to stick your head in an oven, Sylvia Plath style. Real work is starting to pile up on your desk, and the cup of Green Mountain Breakfast Blend in your mug is the only friend you have at the moment. Tuesday is without a doubt the worst day of the week. It’s purgatory, and if you can make it through today with your mind intact you can make it through anything.
Picking your head up from your desk before 11:00 a.m. is out of the question. Immerse yourself in paperwork and try not to think about how much you hate your job. Throw a playlist on that you won’t have to touch for a few hours. You know that headache that you can’t really explain? That is Tuesday personified. It’s just sort of there. There’s nothing we can do about it, though. It’s an extension of your hangover despite the fact that alcohol of any kind hasn’t entered your body since very early Sunday morning around 2:15 a.m. when last call happened.
If you can get through Tuesday morning, you can get through Tuesday afternoon. Stock up on snacks and stay away from coffee, because after 11:00 a.m. it’s only going to make you feel like shit. Tuesday afternoon is going to be more of the same-actually doing work and avoiding eye contact with coworkers. But it gets better. It always does. Because Wednesday means there’s light peeking through the clouds. Life doesn’t seem so bad on Hump day. And then before you know it Thursday rolls around, and you’re making plans for the weekend. Just try not to think about Tuesday. Like ever. It’s only going to bring your mood down. Tuesday is the black fly in your Chardonnay. It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late. It’s like rain on your wedding day. It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid. And of course, it’s the good advice that you just didn’t take. .