True Life: I’m A Chronic Menubator

I'm A Chronic Menubator

Hello. My name is Will, and I’m a chronic menubator.

I’ve been an avid menubator for years now — too many to count — and I’m not sure I ever want to go into recovery. I just love it. I’m not alone in this struggle as chronic menubation is a problem that many suffer from. After we solidify plans to go out to dinner, we just sit on our laptops and iPhones just endlessly scrolling the restaurant’s menu weighing our options.

You may be asking yourself, “Will, why does menubating feel good to you?” To that, I ask why does listening to guitar solos feel good? It just does, man. I like running every scenario through my head. Am I feeling more like oysters from New Brunswick or Prince Edward Island? If I get the Cuban sandwich, will I have room for the calamari appetizer? Maybe I’ll just go with the grouper and go all-in on the Brussels sprouts.

When I’m looking at a PDF restaurant menu, I feel at home. I feel like that’s where I’m meant to be. I love the inner-debate of whether or not the Philippe Tessier Rosé for $48 is worth it over the $44 bottle of Domaine de Triennes Rosé. I want to open a new tab and scout the JM Agricole Rhum in that $12 Mai Tai so I can either get psyched on it or move onto the Pierre Ferrand 1840 champagne cocktail.

Walking into a restaurant blind? Naw, I’m not about that life. They say that pressure makes diamonds, but I’m the outlier there. If we roll into that bistro and I haven’t peeped a menu yet, I’m going to end up ordering the blueberry pancakes while you’re sitting there noshing on the Crabcake Eggs Benedict. That’s not going to be fun for either of us when I’m looking over at your side of the table with sad puppy eyes while my plate of soggy ‘cakes goes uneaten. You don’t want me to ask for a bite of that Benny anymore than I want to ask you for it.

This is a debilitating addiction that affects all facets of my life. I could be volunteering at an animal shelter, learning Mandarin through Rosetta Stone, or even getting work done at my job. But no, I find myself huddled over my computer endlessly scrolling different tabs making 5-course meal combinations in my head all while trying to keep it under a cool $50.

When it’s all said and done, is it a crime that I want to be properly equipped when I sit down and put my napkin on my lap? Should the menubating community feel guilt that we know every menu item’s ingredients outside of the specials and catches of the day? Should I feel ashamed that I’m probably going to engage in conversation rather than waste my time opening the menu that I’ve already read for upwards of an hour? No, no I shouldn’t.

So pardon me while I look up the happy hour appetizer specials for dinner plans I just nailed out tonight.

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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