I’m not sure how familiar you all are with the traditions centered around celebrating wedding anniversaries and the rules about gift-giving, but I’m here to tell you, they’re borderline absurd. With humble beginnings borne of the Holy Roman Empire, significant others have been handing over everything from golden wreaths, to ivory for centuries, in order to show their love and affection for one another.
Did you know that on your first wedding anniversary, the traditional theme is to gift your significant other with paper? Paper. After one full year of putting up with someone else’s farts and questionable taste in Netflix, the best you can get is some stationary? I don’t think so, pal. Not to worry, though, because bigger and better anniversaries, such as your 25th and 50th years, promise to yield much higher returns. To celebrate the 25th, traditional theme demands a gift of “silver.” In addition, on the ever-celebrated and sought-after 50th year, you’re supposed to give and receive a gift of “gold.” Feeling in over your head, yet? Me, too.
Many of us are yet to be betrothed, but some folks have already made the jump and tied the knot. Don’t fret, my married guys and gals, because Town & Country has gone ahead and provided us with a list of 19 potential gifts to give your S.O. on your 25th wedding anniversary. One day, it will be you that has to be concerned with getting the perfect gift. Thank God they took the stress out of it for us.
From Town & Country:
Gift #1: Rolex Stainless Steel Daytona Cosmograph Tropical Wristwatch Model 6239
Sliding in at a cool $63,336.51, is our first suggested gift. T&C really started off with a bang, here. Interested? I suggest you all start saving at least 10 years ago for this one. May the good Lord bless you and your bank account if you are able to gift your husband what is essentially a new Chevy Tahoe for your anniversary. The best my future husband will get is probably a new G-Shock he can wear at the couple’s kickboxing class I’ll be dragging him to so we can “stay in shape.”
Gift #2: Lacquer Shargreen Stingray Humidor
Don’t get me wrong, cigars are pretty cool and tough. Sometimes, when shopping for under-$20 bottles of wine at my local Specs, I like to go into the walk-in humidor and smell the cigar collection. Truth be told, I know nothing about cigars except that they are a common hand-accessory to many villains and Italians in films. I do know enough about them, however, to know that a six-thousand dollar humidor made of stingray leather isn’t projected on my bucket-list of future purchases. Sorry, dear.
Gift #3: ‘Bermuda’ Turntable
At a mere $220, this is probably the only gift on this entire list that doesn’t make me immediately break out into a cold sweat. T&C has really expanded their demographic, trying to reach the middle-aged, married hipsters of our time. Just be sure to include a couple Drake and Frank Ocean records if you decide on this little trinket.
Gift #4: Globe-Trotter Safari 21” Leather Trimmed Travel Trolley
Let’s get real. This suitcase is absolutely fire-flames. The person at the airport carrying this through the terminal is a closer. They close deals. They’re about business. Is it worth over two bands? Gonna be a hard no, for me, fam. But it’s classy. Unfortunately, it’s definitely reserved for first-class travelers only.
Gift #5: Brunello Cucinelli Mink Patchwork Pillow
I hate myself for loving you.
Gift #6: Mikimoto Morning Dew Black South Sea Cultured Pearl and Diamond Earrings
It’s no secret that Mikimoto has been producing top-notch pearl jewelry for over a century. Unfortunately, pearls were never my thing. Besides, how much do you really love your S.O. if you’re willing to let her walk around with $4,000 stuck in her earlobes? Seems like you’re just asking for her to mugged on the subway.
Gift #7: Olivia Von Halle Lila Anais Pajama Set
Pajamas are really only cute on babies. For $500, will these help me feel like less of a piece of trash the morning after we celebrate our other couple friends’ 25th wedding anniversary? Methinks not.
Gift #8: Georg Jensen Beaded Sterling Silver Photo Frame
Photo frames are a cop-out gift and everyone knows it.
Gift #9: The Gerstner 41D Chest for Best Made
I’m not even going to look this up and give it that satisfaction. But seriously..what is this?! What do I put in it?!
Gift #10: Chaine D’Ancre 24 Silver
Ah, a classic: the cufflinks. Honestly, I don’t think this is that bad of a gift. It’s probably my top choice on this list. $1200 is a hefty price to pay for a set of cufflinks, but after 25 years with me, I’m sure my future husband will deserve much more than a set of jewelry for his French-cuffs.
Gift #11: Dinner for two in the heart of the Chez Panisse kitchen
Okay, I had to go look this up. If one day, I am cultured enough to spend two grand on a meal, then so be it. I frequently spend ridiculous amounts of money on gourmet and fanciful food items, be it at Whole Foods or an upscale restaurant. The pleasure from a delicious and expensive meal is fleeting, but at least the Instagram lasts forever. Instagram will still be around, right? Cause this gift would bring in hella likes.
Gift #12: Chaine D’Ancre Anchainee
“Hermes link, ice-blue mink.” Honestly, Drake just gave us TWO baller ideas for 25th wedding anniversary presents. As much as I covet Hermes duds, this chain just isn’t doing it for me. Unfortunately it reminds me of a dog collar, and at $5,200, I can’t decide what’s worse: its bark or its bite.
Gift #13: Salvatore Ferragamo Calfskin Leather Belt
Ferragamo is one of those names you hear in rap songs, and only see on tall, dark, and handsome foreign men out shopping in the premier designer stores in your city. With a slight resemblance to a seatbelt, I’m not sold on the style or the $440 price tag. I have reason to believe that this would be a disappointing gift to give to your significant other on your 25th.
Gift #14: Tiffany Square Bracelet
Boasting 12 diamonds and made of solid white gold, who wouldn’t want to get this for their wife? I’ll tell you who: sane and reasonable people. The price of this bracelet would take care of my law school loans, and then some. Chances are, I’ll still be paying them off on my 25th wedding anniversary anyway.
Gift #15: Ari D. Norman Sterling Lion Pill Box
Pill box? A fucking pill box? Please exit, stage left.
Gift #16: Barneys New York Mother-Of-Pearl Formal Set
I highly doubt many of us have a laundry-list of “formal” events to potentially wear these pricey cufflinks and shirt studs. I’ll admit, they do look kind of dope, but err on the side of impractical. Call me crazy.
Gift #17: Sanjay Kasliwal Woven Clutch
As a self-proclaimed “brand-whore,” who prides herself on being pretty in-the-know about famous and popular desigers, I don’t know who the hell this designer is. Not that that makes a difference in my opinion about this particular clutch because it looks like it was possibly made from the leftovers of a metallic sombrero. No bueno.
Gift #18: Smythson Grosvenor 3 Drawer Jewelry Box
For $3,000, why wouldn’t you just get your wife another piece of jewelry instead of this big, white box? #foodforthought
Gift #19: Stubbs & Wootton Fallera Plata Slipper
So, I’ve been a fan of the Stubbs & Wootton “College” slipper for years. I’ve pinned them on Pinterest and looked at them on the website many, many times. Unfortunately, spending $500 on a pair of smoking slippers when I don’t even know which side of the cigar I should light doesn’t make much sense. By all means, if your old lady smokes like a chimney and wants to look fresh to death on her 25th wedding anniversary, I’m behind these.
In summary, guys, it looks like we all need to hit the lotto. If you need me, I’ll be searching for any loose change in my car that I can deposit into my Roth. .