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Congratulations, my friend. You just got it in. Cue the “HIMYM” soundtrack: “I said a bang, bang, bangity bang…” Every active member of the party has completed his or her end goal, and now it’s time for the ultimate cuddle. While pillow talk comes naturally to most long-term couples (read: turning over and going to sleep) it can create a bit of awkwardness for new couples, as you both fumble around with post sex conversation. If there’s anything you must avoid, it’s definitely the following. You should know this column is profound advice–you are too young to be doing the dirty. Do your parents know you’re on the Internet?
It’s just really not the time. No matter how many protective steps you take, there is still that .000001 percent chance a little spermazoid is hanging out with one of her fertile eggy weggies. As I sit here alone writing this, I can’t even type out those words without feeling so uncomfortable I need to make them childlike. Can you imagine what it would do to me if you brought it up post coital? If the girl mentions children, the guy has the full right to assume she’s skipping her birth control in some sick plan to get pregnant and keep him forever. If the guy mentions children, the lady will immediately assume that he poked holes in the condom in a ploy to keep his lineage going by putting a half of a human in her. Either way, the baby bringer upper will be deemed a lunatic.
STDs (Or Diseases In General)
Again, even if you used protection, this is a conversation for the time before the pillow talk stage. Even if it’s as innocent as saying, “I’m a scientist and today at the lab we looked at chlamydia under a big microscope,” your butt buddy is going to assume that shit got on your hands and is currently eating his or her genitalia apart. Don’t talk about diseases that are spreading from the news article you read online and don’t talk about diseases your grandmother has that may or may not be genetic. Just don’t.
Bringing up one of your exes will immediately make your partner feel as if you’re comparing your ex to him or her. Thoughts going through his or her mind will shift from “datum, this babe-city just rocked my world” to “ZOMG I wonder if my weenie was as big as her high school sweetheart’s?” Does that even matter anymore? Ex talk brings up insecurities in both parties, which is the absolute last thing you need after seeing each other naked.
You’re with them nine hours out of the day–it’s literally impossible for them not to be a major part of your life. However, they need to stay the heck out of your bed. First of all, do you really want to start subconsciously associating them with sex? If you do, you’re probably going to grow up to be a cheating meany-head who stays late at the office every Thursday night. Secondly, your significant other doesn’t really care about your coworkers. He or she cares about you. You bitching and moaning about whatever that snot dripping hooha did with his tissues two cubes down doesn’t help your partner get to know you at all. Instead, it makes him or her zone out, and it speeds up the after sex sleepiness. Now you’re mad because you’re focused on your coworkers, and you’re frustrated because you got fallen asleep on. You’ve got no one to blame but yourself, my friend.
There are so many great moments in a relationship to say those three little words, but right after a round of pogo stick bouncing is not one of them. If the muffin buttering is so excellent that it causes you to word vomit “I love you” all over him, then I’m really excited for and jealous of you, because you’re getting laid significantly more than I am. Nothing will make the awkward “not letting his roommate know he has someone over” silence worse than you accidently saying “I love you” when you don’t mean it. You just love the feeling of cuddling and getting to know each other more intimately. Save “I love you” for a dinner date that costs no less than 1/12 of his yearly salary.