Tom Brady’s Updated Résumé

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Tom Brady is a guy who doesn’t need a résumé, but he certainly did after being a 6th-round pick in the 2000 NFL Draft who was uncertain about his future. He posted a picture of his first résumé on Facebook Thursday morning. We’ve took the liberty of updating it for him.

Thomas E. Brady, Jr.

Current Address
The Biggest House In Boston
Boston, MA

Michigan. Please don’t tell anyone I ever lived in the upper Midwest.

-Big, Hairy American winning machine (2001-present).
-I was the most famous athlete in America from 2002-2008, so of course I have acting experience thanks to “Entourage.”
-Married to this:

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Awards and Notable Achievements:
-Three-time Super Bowl Champion and a bunch of other cool shit like, I don’t know some Pro Bowls that I pretended to care about, some MVP awards.
-Never appearing in a commercial with Peyton Manning.
-Again, married to this:

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Additional Experience:
-There have been like a billion jokes told about me at the ESPYs.
-Uggs spokesman.
-Bridget Moynahan
-Tara Reid (When she was hot)
-Layla Roberts (Never heard of her? Okay here’s a pic:)


-Having a wife that still looks like this after two kids:

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Future Goals:
-Restore the good name of Wrangler Jeans and Just For Men products.
-Destroy Eli Manning’s life.
-Get upset at how inaccurate my Hall of Fame bust looks.
-Successfully trademark “Touchdown Tom.”
-Somehow transfer my degree from Michigan to USC or some other much cooler school.
-Never becoming Joe Namath.
-Buy Drew Bledsoe something nice every year.


images via Instagram

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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