To The Poor Bastard Who Bought An Ugly Engagement Ring

To The Poor Bastard Who Bought An Ugly Engagement Ring

Having gotten married early on (before all of my friend’s and most of hers), I set the standard for the engagement ring. The wife didn’t have anything to compare to as none of our friends, coworkers, cousins, etc. were jumping on the marriage wagon quite as soon as we did. But now, those engagements have started popping up. And with each one, a close up shot of the girl’s outstretched hand showcasing the rock she just received. And I sit back and I watch all of the 20 something females around me size up every single piece of hardware that shows up on the ole news feed. And it’s ruthless.

“Traditional 3/4 karat single cut with a single yellow gold band? Peasants. Get modern.”

“1.75 karat stone? Size can’t make up for everything, hunny. There’s an 80% chance of showers with that piece it’s so cloudy. Anything less than VVS-1 clarity is for the birds.”

“There are NO diamonds on her band. I would much rather cut the shit out of the insides of my pinky and middle finger doing mundane tasks such as typing and look fab AF doing it then not have the 16 microscopic pebbles lining my band.”

“Oh. My. God. He didn’t even go diamond. Is that Sapphire? That poor thing.”

“He actually went to Jared…”

Before you pass judgment on us guys for something we have invested so much into, think about the sacrifice that was made for that ring. Let’s talk about two things that pretty much drive all decisions us guys make, ladies. The cost and the time.

The Cost

Out-fucking-rageous. God forbid the dude only spent $3K on it. Hopefully, the lady has simple taste because jewelry is insane. You know this. If your man is shelling out 3 month’s salary for an engagement ring, he most likely will not have rent for the next six months. Or he is just incredibly baller and for that, I applaud him. Anyone that expects us guys to be spending an entire three-month’s salary on this is fucked in the head. Or they are living in the ’50s when no one had student loans up to their eyeballs and everyone had steady, good paying jobs. The three months thing is outdated. Leave it in the past.

Most of us younger folks will be paying back our education well into our thirties. And the same majority will also be stiff armed into getting hitched by the women in our lives before then. So, there is not a lot of room in the budget for the engagement ring you are not so subtly hinting at. Especially if you want a decent wedding. But the wedding is an entirely different ball game for another time.

*Pinches skin*

Yup, still just flesh and bone. We aren’t made of money.

The Time

This is huge commitment we’re making here. We have already decided that we want to marry you, which is generally a long process in and of itself. But now we have to pick out a ring? OUT OF ALL THE RINGS?!? Fuck. It needs to be said that none of us have ever undertaken such a difficult task.

Sure, when we were first dating you, we struggled a little bit and debated on what/if anything to get you for your birthday or Christmas that first year because we started dating a month prior to said dates and we didn’t want to come on too strong or too weak because our relationship was still at the awkward early parts. (Bath & Body Works everything, by the way, because you can’t really go wrong.)

But this. This is the Mount Everest of our relationship to date. There are dozens of jewelry stores to choose from just in the immediate vicinity. And hundreds, maybe even thousands of rings to choose from in each store. By my calculations, that is approximately infinite options. And we are tasked with picking something that will make you tear up with joy instead of disappointment and resentment when we reveal it to you. No pressure or anything.

Now, I am not without a blame as I too have thought, “Hey man, you probably could have put a little more thought behind that one” when I see a less than stellar ring. But I have been in his shoes. I picked out the diamond, the band and the setting for my wife’s piece and spent a good deal of time on the design instead of going premade #humblebrag. And as such, I sympathize with him. I know the process. I know the feeling deep in the pit of your gut when you sign away thousands of hard earned dollars for something much smaller than that stick of ChapStick that she keeps losing.

My point is, who are we to judge the level of love and commitment of a relationship based on karats? Why does a princess cut mean he loves her more? It doesn’t. And the engagement ring that man gave to his girlfriend to lay claim to her heart forever (all divorce statistics aside) is none of our business. Hell, if that were true, they would keep that shit off of social media. But let’s keep the malicious opinions to ourselves anyways.

That poor bastard is trying.

Image via Shutterstock

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Mainer born and raised. Boston sports. Miller Lites. Let's get drunk and eat chicken fingers..

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