Letter To The New Guy


Dear New Guy,

I realize you haven’t actually been on the job yet, but I just want to let you know I hate you.

We’re a department of seven people. There are eight offices, and only two aren’t occupied right now. Know which two those are? That’s right, the two without views of the lake our office is next to. You know who doesn’t have that view? Me, and it’s all your fault.

How is it your fault, you might ask? Well, that office you will come into on Monday used to be mine. You don’t know this, but our manager made me move to one of the two offices without a view. For this, I will eternally hate you.

Also, that office just happens to be right next to our manager instead of up near the secretary. Now I have less of a warning when the boss walks down the hall looking through our glass walls. How am I supposed to get past that next level of Candy Crush now? This is all your fault.

Don’t worry though, our manager made it up to me by getting a third monitor for my new office. Just kidding, that’s more of a curse than a blessing. I used to be get away with never responding to emails I didn’t feel like by just not having enough screens to view all of my reports and email at the same time. Not only is that excuse now gone, but I will be expected to be even more productive. Again, you are the one to blame.

I thought we could be friends and share a bond, “old new guy” to “new new guy,” but you’ve made sure that I will be your mortal enemy. You can sure as hell bet I will sit there and develop ways to set your new office (my old office) on fire. That is the only reasonable response I can think of.

Again, this is your fault. I don’t care if you didn’t have a say in the matter. You are clearly the one to blame. You will reap what you sow.


Your Disgruntled Coworker

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