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I hate winter. I hate it. It’s cold, there’s no sunlight, and it’s cold. You’re limited to only indoor hobbies, like drinking in a bar or drinking in your house. You go to work in the dark, you get home in the dark, and your skin soon turns the hue of an anemic vampire. Oh, and I don’t know if I mentioned this, but it’s fucking cold. I don’t know why I moved from a city where winter doesn’t exist to one of the coldest major cities in the U.S., but I hate myself every day for that decision (for about six months of the year). Anyway, enough bitching. Here are some helpful hints so you can survive the cold months and still look and feel good.
Eat Vitamin D Pills Like They’re Candy
You know how every year from October through March you feel bummed out all the time? That’s seasonal depression, baby, and it’s no joke. Many people suffer from it, and it can make you feel gloomy, fatigued, and just generally unable to give a shit about anything. A good way to help with this is to make sure you’re getting enough vitamin D. Go to the store and buy the biggest pack you can find, and then just gobble those pills like you’re Wes Welker at a Kentucky Derby. Sure, you can get vitamin D naturally by exposing your skin to sunlight or eating vegetables, but we both know you’re not doing that. The outdoors hurts your skin, and the idea of eating anything except for a bowl of hot chili when it’s snowing outside sounds horrible. Just eat your vitamins like the old person you are.
Hit The Gym
Just because it’s winter and you can hide under layers doesn’t mean you can let yourself go and balloon up like the blue chick from Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. Oh wait, yes it does. That’s exactly what it means. Go to your gym, and with a brisk pace, walk directly past every treadmill, elliptical, and weight machine in there until you get to the holy land – the sauna. I’m no personal trainer, but I’m pretty sure every ten minutes spent in the sauna is equal to 30 minutes on the treadmill. Even if it isn’t, who cares. You get to spend time in a room that’s only function is keeping you hot. Each second spent in a hot place instead of a cold place is a good second.
Maintain A Strict Diet
The only upside to this horrendous season is that you can eat whatever you want and hide your fat under a scarf and jacket. Fuck any food that is labeled as healthy or served at a temperature other than “piping hot.” Chili in a bread bowl. Pizza. Pasta. Burritos. Anything made from potatoes. That’s the winter diet. If you don’t have to starve yourself come March in order to look decent for the summer, you didn’t do winter right (or you have good eating habits).
Bathe In Lotion
Six weeks into the season, your entire body is going to resemble an alligator made out of beef jerky. The combination of cold winds outside and warm heaters inside creates a dry environment will have your skin looking like a block of parmesan, both in texture and color. Unless you like looking like a giant ball of dandruff, I suggest you always be putting lotion on. I don’t just mean at home or before you go to bed. Buy a Costco-sized bottle for your desk at work, and stare directly at your coworkers while you rub it on your skin. Don’t be scared to go shirtless or moan a little while you do it, either. Everyone knows how important hydrated skin is during the winter.
Take A Tropical Vacation
Aruba. Jamaica. A motel in Jacksonville. It doesn’t matter where it is, as long as it’s warm. If you don’t have enough PTO to travel south for the winter, quit your job. If you can’t afford a trip, rob a bank. It doesn’t matter what you have to do, nothing matters more than exposing your skin to the air and not feeling the stabbing pain of a thousand icicles. Beg your parents to take you with them on their anniversary cruise. Change your Tinder settings to Cairo and convince someone to let you live with them. Nothing matters except getting out of the cold. It’s been months since you’ve felt the gentle caress of the sun on your face, goddamn it, and nothing will stop you from being warm again.
Light Yourself On Fire Just To Feel Warmth
Can’t afford a ten-day tropical vacation? Me neither! Don’t worry, we can make our own warm vacation, and it will last a lifetime. For the low price of a can of gasoline and a lighter, you could escape this frozen hellscape…forever. Douse yourself and your apartment (don’t be greedy, your roommate could use some warmth too) in gasoline and just light yourself on fucking fire. Will you die? Yes. Of course. But in a much more real sense, will you finally be alive? Alive enough to feel the warmth of a crackling fire on your skin? Alive enough to escape the bitter hold that winter has on you? Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes.
Enjoy this magical time of year! .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
This leaving for work in the dark and coming home in the dark is severely depressing. I feel like Kid Rock, living my life in a slow hell and I ain’t seen the sunshine in 5 damn days
Sometimes I leave early at 3, and say that I have a doctor’s appointment. But in reality, I just wanted to see the sun.
Speaking of a tropical vacation, is anyone going to mile0 fest in key West? I really want to go but can’t convince my friends that it’s a good idea.
Sounds like we’re in need of a PGP vacation
Please take me somewhere warm. I will buy you so many margaritas I just need to feel the sun again.
Ohhh girl, it is still so early!! Someone get this woman some sun!
Just booked a trip to a colder location. PGP.
I’m going to St. Cloud, MN next week for work. Yayyyy can’t wait
Get a burger and a sack of fries at Val’s right outside of town. It’s the cornerstone of Arcadia’s aforementioned strict diet.
I wish I was going, but unfortunately time/money are stopping me at the moment. Lineup is awesome.
Larry that’s the main hold up for my buddies right now, but holy cow does it sound fun.
With my ability to work from home, I tend to just hibernate in my apartment all winter. Face to face interaction can wait until the spring.
Need as many cold weather tips as possible, moving from SoCal to Minneapolis in January and trying not to die.
If you will be downtown, familiarize yourself with the Skyway map, you should not need to ever go outside. If your job requires dress shoes, invest in a couple of pairs of durable shoe condoms, it gets slushy and there’s salt everywhere. Pay the extra 40-60 bucks per month for a heated garage spot in your apartment or opt for a block heater plug-in spot (never drive your vehicle before you allow it to heat up) and get your car washed often (road salt -> rust). Only go out in Uptown during the cold months (most bars within walking proximity of each other of any area in MPLS). Never allow your gas tank to go below 1/2 filled (the condensation will freeze). Have a spare coat, blankets, gloves, and hat in your trunk from November to March just in case of a break down. Thermal underwear and smartwool socks will help. Never wear steel toed boots in the winter, your toes will thank me later. Try to find an apartment that lumps gas into your rent, coming from California you will undoubtedly go through a lot in the winter here. If you’re a runner, buy a balaclava and utilize the greenway, the city does a great job of grooming it. Also, be a cautious driver on the highways during the winter. Highways 494, 394, 694, the 35’s and 169 are widely exposed to the elements and often times have bad patches of black ice and multi-car pileups because of excessive speeding through interstate exchanges. Last but not least, switch your beer of choice to Grain Belt Premium/Nordeast because it’s local and you’ll need it.
This whole response rid me of any desire to ever move north. Sweet jesus. In Dallas we close schools if there is even a chance of snow/ice on ground.
Fuck, why??
I think if you just performed all of those in order it might not be a bad way to go out
This has nothing to do with your comment, but for some reason I had the name Chardee MacDennis stuck in my head all day (for no apparent reason) and your username and profile pic somehow helped. Thank you.
There’s nothing better than lacing ’em up and playing some pond hockey in sub-0 weather
Sup? Unless you are a Flyers or Islanders fan, then nevermind.
The Islanders have fans? And fuck Philly.
Then it looks like we may proceed – sup?
Wait, hold up. Who’s your team? This is almost as important as hating Philly.
I’m going on 2-3 ski trips this year from my home in AL. So I guess I’m ignoring all of this.
I too am leaving Alabama to go on a ski trip this winter. Mostly because I think Alabama doesn’t get cold enough in the winter.
I grew up in PA and spent 3 prior yrs in Erie (aka snowiest city over 100k) so I’m with you. Although the daily snow was part of my decision to take this job so multiple ski trips are my win-win
I wouldn’t mind if it stayed 70 all year round in AL.
Where’d you move from?
San Jose, CA
First winter in the south and I don’t understand why everyone chooses to live in places with miserable winters