Thoughts On Facebook’s Relationship “Ask” Button

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I’ll admit it, I discovered Facebook’s newest, dumbest feature while casually creeping some newly added friend. I only use Facebook for two things: birthday reminders, so I don’t come off as some absentee “friend,” and to cover my bases with romantic encounters simmering on the back burner. Anything aside from that is just garbage. Oh, you graduated in six years, finally? Congrats, keep whoring those likes because you “just can’t believe this is real.” You look like any other sap in a cap and gown, by the way.

What I just cannot grasp about Zuckerberg’s latest and greatest idea is who thinks this is actually going to work? So maybe it doesn’t say if he or she is in a relationship, but does it really matter? If you’ve actually met this person and you don’t have the faintest idea as to what his or her relationship status is, what’s the point? Do you really believe that a quick message piquing curiosity as to whether she’s husbanded up or not is really going to help your cause? Shit, just come forward with it–there’s absolutely no reason to send a quick note laced with a desperate undertone to find out if your new chase is taken or just prospecting the field.

Mark Zuckerberg probably dreams these things up when he’s sitting at home in his Adidas slides and socks, watching his wife piddle his hard-earned billions away, thinking, “How can I screw over the average male trying to get like me?” Unfortunately, you know in the back of your mind that there are poor saps who actually take this new feature as an opportunity to “connect” with their latest prospect.

Not to mention, if a guy were to receive one of these messages from a female friend, he would be like a deer in the headlights. “Why’s she asking…why does she even care…is she interested?” It would just be a rush of emotion and utter confusion, which would undoubtedly result in a laissez-faire response like, “I’m just testing the waters,” and then she’ll think your dipping your toe in every woman’s pool. Smooth move, I bet that’ll work.

My final question on this is what’s the LinkedIn equivalent? If there was a dialog box on an employer’s page that said, “Are they hiring? Click ‘Ask’ to find out!” you’d be like, “Whoa there, pump the brakes.” If you have to ask, what are you doing? It goes both ways, and quite honestly, this is just another reason why Facebook needs to take a long, hard look at what it’s doing. Get some whiteboards in your office, get everyone off the couch, out of the in-house fire brick oven calzone whatever the fuck cafeteria you have, and use those fresh, Ivy League minds to collectively brainstorm something that makes half a lick of sense.

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Living for the weekend.

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