Thoughts From A Guy Who’s Hosting His First Christmas

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For better or for worse, the Cushes are switching up Christmas this year. My entire family normally goes to my Nana’s house every year, so for the most part there is nothing to worry about other than showing up with our gifts and a pumpkin pie. Although it is kind of pain in the ass to have to travel on Christmas day, I’m quickly learning how easy it was to NOT host a holiday because this year, the Mrs. and I are hosting Christmas. As the day draw closer and closer, I find myself thinking about all of the things expected of me and our household as the hosts of Christmas and frankly, it’s stressing me out. Here are just a few of them.

1.) Will my house be clean enough?

Our house is never immaculate, let me the first to say that. Every couple of weeks it gets an overhaul and we do a few hours of heavy cleaning. Would it be easier to do 45 minutes of cleaning every few days instead of allotting such a large chunk of time to the task every other weekend? Probably. But that’s neither here nor there. Whenever we have company over, we always make sure the surfaces are free of clutter and the floors are clean. Always. I’m a big fan of cleaning just enough to trick your guests into thinking you aren’t a total slob and so far, it is a system that works. Having family over for a big Holiday celebration is going to require a bit more than throwing Mrs. Cush’s coupons in a drawer and making a quick pass with the Dyson. No stray pubes, and every surface spit-shined. My mother cleans houses for a living, so there won’t be any fooling her. I may just have to hire her to do her thing because I’ve got other things to worry about.

2.) Will we have enough food?

This one doesn’t stress me out so much because I can always supplement with liquid calories, but I know the Mrs. is going to be in a high-speed wobble from 7:00am until after the last dish is put away later that day. We have a 21lb Turkey that I got swindled into buying from a co-worker who raises them. Is that enough for a dozen people? I have no idea how this works. The thing that worries me the most is that NOTHING will be open near us if we find out last minute we forgot something. Like, there is no back-up plan. Forget the squash? Family feud. Not enough stuffing? Disowned. There is a lot on the line here so we better be sure to cross our t’s and dot our i’s on that grocery list.

3.) Where am I going to put everyone?

It’s not that we have never had people over, but normally they are drunk enough that literally any surface not covered in spilled beer will do just fine to pass out on. I shit you not, I’ve spent the night on my basement floor because I decided the throw rug was very inviting at the time. However, I don’t imagine Nana getting so plastered that she would make that same decision. We have two guest bedrooms but only one actual bed set up between the two. I hope Dad’s back problems don’t flare up because the rents are getting a sub-par air mattress courtesy of Air Cush-n-Cush.

4.) When am I allowed to kick everyone out?

This is the real question I am worried about. Things can get pretty heated during Christmas night board games, and I’ve always been able to remove myself from the situation before knocking my little brother out for refusing to trade wheat for ore. Plus, after a few Christmas cocktails that follow the gratuitous amount of turkey, I get pretty sleepy. Am I allowed to retreat to my bedroom? Will my family understand there is only so much I can take of them before I need release? Do I have the authority to kick my family out when I’ve had enough? We shall see.

5.) How much red wine is too much red wine?

I plan to be drinking a bottomless glass of Apothic Red throughout the day. Wine teeth be damned. Sweet-baby-Jesus-laying-in-a-manger knows I’ll need it.

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Mainer born and raised. Boston sports. Miller Lites. Let's get drunk and eat chicken fingers..

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