This Year’s Lacrosse All-Name Team Contains The Most Absurdly Preppy Names You’ve Ever Heard

This Year's Lacrosse All-Name Team Contains The Most Absurdly Preppy Names You've Ever Heard

It’s always a beautiful thing when stereotypes perpetuate themselves. That’s a quote, and I’m going to leave it at that because I don’t want to lose my job. But I think we can all agree that college lacrosse players have a pretttttttty pretty defined image when it comes to the general public’s view of them. You know the type — white, affluent, preppy, 1%, whatever. I don’t know, take 2009 legend Brantford Winstonworth, for instance.

Or Bert Breakfast, who consistently expects to win national championships despite consistently blacking out on Jager Bombs at upstairs Rhino.

Pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down? Alright, good.

Well, Inside Lacrosse put out their 9th edition of their Lacrosse All-Name Team, and it safe to say that didn’t disappoint. And that’s coming from a dude named William Fritz deFries II.

First Team

A Shackleford Stanwick,So., Johns Hopkins

A Colton McCaffrey, So., Denver

A, Schuylor Dickerson, Sr., Lees-McRae

M Deemer Class, Sr., Duke

M IV Stucker, So., Roanoke

M Brickman House, Jr., Utica

D Sky Dupree, Fr., North Greenville

D Coy Broderick, Fr., Hanover

D Braylen Sampson, So., Bryant

G Hampton Worboys, So., Mars Hill

This sounds like a “Who’s Who?” of a secret society at Yale where you have to kill a peasant in order to get in. Except for Sky Dupree, who just sounds like he would be the most dynamic athlete in a high school football movie.

Second Team

A Headley VanMeter, Sr., Birmingham-Southern

A McLaren Brady, Sr., Cortland

A Bear Altemus, Jr., Princeton

M Burke Harrington III, Sr., Washington College

M Brinton Valis, So., Johns Hopkins

M Griffin Woodfinlevine, Jr., Montclair State

D Garrett Chitwood, So., Adams State

D Tripp Telesco, Sr., Lehigh

D Rowland Pettit, Sr., Duke

G Gunnar Waldt, Sr., Bryant

Bear? Tripp? Griffin Wiidfinlevine? Are you kidding me? It’s almost like their parents read Town & Country’s Preppiest Nicknames, put them on a dart board, and used whatever name their scotch-soaked toss landed on.

Third Team

A Tate Beason, Jr., Florida Tech

A Blaine Stottlar, Jr., Lees-McRae

A Robbie Betchley III, Jr., Furman

M Broderick Vitalie, Fr., Holy Cross

M Holden Rosen Grupp, So., Tufts

M Bryson Gilbert-Bono, Sr., Williams

M Carney Mahon, So., Harvard

D Rich Mix, So., Benedictine

D Coleman Walsh III, Sr., Catholic

D Maximillian Crowley, Sr., Mitchell

G Addison Sherwood, Jr., Jacksonville

The most upsetting thing about this entire list is that there are only three of these dudes with roman numerals. But I guess you’ve gotta imagine that their kids (and their kid’s kids) will make it on the list come 2056 and beyond.

[via Inside Lacrosse]

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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