This Week’s Most Basic Bumble BFF Profiles: March 31

This Week’s Most Basic Bumble BFF Profiles: March 31

Read last week’s Most Basic Bumble BFF Profiles.

I sat down in Nordstrom the other day after trying on a pair of shorts. The shorts fit perfectly, but I figured I could probably get them in the exact style for a lower price online, so I took to my phone to find out. As I waited for the website to load, I did what anyone does while bored in Nordstrom — people watched. I looked towards cosmetics to see two girls discussing the benefits of a “créme” I had never heard of before. And it was then I asked myself, “What are the chances these two girls met on Bumble BFF?”

After all, when you’re sitting at a restaurant and you see two awkward people sitting at a tiny two-top clearly on a first date, don’t you always wonder if they met on a Tinder date? If you see a guy nervously standing outside of a bar looking at his phone on a Wednesday night, don’t you secretly pray he doesn’t get stood up by the girl he met on Hinge just a few nights prior? That’s the world we live in. We’re officially more likely to meet people on the internet than at a bar, grocery store, or church.

Luckily for me, it’s all endless entertainment. So let’s get into this week’s basic Bumble biographies.

Guilty pleasure include the great outdoors and pretty cocktails *peace sign emoji* + *blushing emoji*

Short, sweet, yet still wildly annoying. I won’t skewer her for using the singular “pleasure” only to name two pleasures, but I will skewer her for not choosing an aesthetic and sticking with it. I’m going to unapologetically stereotype here because stereotypes exist for a reason, but people that love “the great outdoors” drink IPAs and wine bottled from their friends vineyards — not “pretty cocktails” that you’d find at the Four Seasons or her parents’ local yacht club.

Semi-new to the area. Kind of a night owl. Always into cute bars and good food. All my friends are engaged & doing creepy shit like eating dinner at 5pm. Kill me. Better yet, let’s go shopping. PS. thinking about starting my own tofu company..

We’ve got a Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong here, don’t we? Oh man, you like good food? What a unique attribute. I bet you like cute dogs and vacations too, you diamond in the rough. What I liked most about your profile was your transition from suicidal, asking people to go shopping with you, to starting your own tofu company. Zero red flags there. Doesn’t make you sound like a psycho at all. But hey, if you need any business advice for your tofu empire, just let me know because I watch a lot of Shark Tank and know how to use words like “into perpetuity” and “scalability.” Just make sure to follow the green and not the dream, toots. Always good to be an entrepreneur instead of a wantrepreneur.

Hi! I moved here from New York City about a year ago, and as I work with mostly older white men, have yet to make female friends. I have 2 cats and live downtown. I enjoy artsy-fartsy things/walking around, and geeking out over mutual interests.

An artsy chick with two cats? Golly, can’t imagine why you’re not just swimming in friends. Just kidding — moving from New York to a new city has go to be difficult. You actually seem reasonably nice and normal, so I truly do hope you can find some new friends to geek out with. I know that doesn’t sound sincere given the setting, but seriously, the best of luck.

But seriously, just get rid of your cats and give yourself a shot.

I’m new to the city so I would love to have happy hour and meet new friends! I love tacos, brunch, music, coffee, crafting, shopping, hiking, my little puppy, and traveling. AXO alumni *red heart emoji* + *green heart emoji* + *plane emoji* + *champagne emoji* + *red wine emoji* + *globe emoji* + *puppy emoji*

Well, it looks like I’ve found a new way to harvest ideas for Things Girls Do After Graduation. Crafting? Yep, put it on the list. I’ve pretty much covered everything else on her list of passions, excluding tacos because it’s apparently required for every girl to express their love of pizza or tacos in their biography.

But furthermore, through my studies of Bumble BFF profiles, I’ve come to realize that the number of emojis in said profiles are directly proportional with how basic a girl actually is. No emojis? You’re looking at tomboy / guy’s girl territory. But once you start piling them up, you’re staring straight into the eyes of the Blair Waldorfs of the world.

Image via Unsplash

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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