This Week’s Most Basic Bumble BFF Profiles: March 24

This Week's Most Basic Bumble BFF Profiles: March 24

Read last week’s most basic Bumble BFF profiles.

There were two moments this week where I realized that I was starting to lose touch with the common girl. My first realization came when I made a joke about a girl ordering a macchiato at Starbucks, but was quickly corrected — “Girls don’t even order those anymore. It’s all about Flat Whites now.” It was the equivalent of hitting on a girl only for her to tell me she’s a lesbian. Just a pure, unadulterated feeling of being let down.

Mere hours later, I received an in-office chat from Kayla who had just read yesterday’s Things Girls Do After Graduation: Mani-Pedis and said, “SMH at the girl not getting a shellac mani-pedi. No one gets regular manis anymore, for the record.” I found myself walking home from work listening to REM’s “Everybody Hurts” before watching the rain trickling down my bedroom window as I dozed off to sleep.

Thankfully, Bumble BFF continues to exist which is allowing me to further my degree in Basictivity 401. Let’s delve into this week’s worst.

* * *

New to Austin so looking to make some besties! I make homemade kombucha. Love documentaries, podcasts, painting, craft beer, IPA, UFC, comedy (Bill Hicks & Duncan Trussell) deep conversation, music art festivals, nature, hiking, anything that calls for an amazing experience. I’m not a hippie haha.

Well, this girl sure as shit didn’t waste any time making me hate her. I, personally, love kombucha. But I, personally, hate anyone who prefaces their entire being with the fact that they home-fucking-make it. Hanging out with this girl sounds like going to a Burning Man 2012 reunion party in a shitty apartment off Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco. All they’d talk about is how Vice has gone mainstream in between “deep conversations,” whatever that means.

are you a Gigi or a Bella?

This girl clearly doesn’t get how Bumble BFF works, so she should take some advice from me — a 29-year-old man who doesn’t have the app but solely sees these profiles by way of screenshots. Let me just say this, I’d be fine with her bio if it came in the form of an opening line. Sure, I don’t know anything about Bella except that she’s dating The Weeknd, and I don’t know anything about Gigi outside of that she’s glacier-melting hot and got squadded up by Taylor. While I won’t say this is the worst bio of all-time, I will say that it gets a 6/10 on the Bumble BFF Bio Scale.

artist & avid traveler. 24 countries & counting *plane emoji* i enjoy guacamole, margaritas, sephora trips, mary kate & ashley movie marathons, and playing with other people’s dogs. i like to exercise & eat healthy but i also like laying in bed & eating popeyes chicken. such is life *upsidedown smiley face emoji*

I could call this girl a psycho for still watching Mary Kate & Ashley films, but When In Rome was a banger film so I won’t criticize her for that. But what will I call this girl a psycho for? Fucking Sephora trips. As a red-blooded American male with an appreciation for a nice smelling lotion, I will say that Sephora is probably your best bet to find what you’re looking for should Nordstrom not carry it. But actually enjoying going there is just madness. It’s just a sardine can of women spraying highly-concentrated, smelly liquids into the air causing you to leave feeling delirious and deaf. Like, what’s your ideal day after that? Going to Chuck E. Cheese’s before taking a mid-afternoon nap at a McDonald’s PlayPlace?

Oh, and the damn all-lowercase-everything move. Red Flag City.

Brunch, wine, margaritas, dogs, adventures. I love it all *smiley emoji* Also very dedicated to my fitness goals so would also love to have a badass workout partner if you think you can keep up! Le grab a drink, or a lift *strong arm emoji* + *red wine emoji*

Yeah, just what everyone wants, to drink some wine and listen to you spout off about your fucking fitness goals. What a hoot that must be. Hey, after that, why don’t you tell me about how you lived (read: studied abroad for a summer) in France and have just been dying to go back. And yes, this is the second person in a row to lead with dogs and margaritas — a trend that will forever plague Bumble BFF.

Lovvve yoga, camping, hiking, brunching and a nice glass or three of wine! Looking to expand my social circle and meet a few more like minded ladies *rosie cheeks emoji*

I’ll give it to this girl, she knows her audience. I respect the fact that she’s not branching out of her norm and is actually admitting to looking for like-minded people, which are a dime-a-dozen considering every girl I’ve come across on Bumble BFF has been a fan of brunch and wine. Which actually makes me think… should I be looking for friends on the female version of Bumble BFF too? Damn, self-awareness sucks.

Image via Unsplash

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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