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Thank God we’re almost at the end of this dumpster fire of a marathon that I can’t look away from. Stocks are always rising and falling in Paradise. This week was no different.
Kristina – Way Up
Yaaaassss queeeeeeen. Did I do that right? After finally kicking Dean’s ass to the curb and standing up for herself, Kristina mic dropped outta Paradise and into the hearts of every Bachelor fan on Twitter. She’s set up for a Paradise return to glory next year.
Adam – Up (Last Week: Way Up)
Quiet week for Adam, but he still got a rose from Queen B Raven, so life is good for arguably the most genuine dude on the show.
Jack Stone – On The Rise (Last Week: Down)
Jack Stone? Jack fucking Stone? Jack Stone was on absolute fire this week, and no one saw it coming. Ole serial killer lookin’ ass was sucking face with over half the women on Paradise this week, and compared to some of the other creeps he was surrounded by actually ended up not looking too shabby.
While he did take a verbal lashing from The Twins, he made the right call in avoiding getting on the hot mess express.
The Twins – Down
Holy scorched Earth. The Las Vegas natives pulled a Mooch and flew directly into the sun. They were barely in Paradise longer than the running time of the actual film Twins, but they left a fiery crater the size of a scallop farm. Need a reality show with The Twins dating The Mooch and I needed it yesterday.
Robby & Amanda – Stagnant (Last Week: Stagnant)
For two people I don’t particularly care for, they’ve sure managed to stay below the radar of detestable behavior that their castmates are participating in. While I admittedly fast-forwarded their date because I’d rather watch an elderly orgy than watch them even have a conversation, they both served other reasonable purposes. Robby let Dean know he’s an idiot, while Amanda gave The Twins a playbook of who not to talk to so they had something to ignore.
Lacey & Daniel – Up (Last Week: Down)
The village idiot and the village weirdo are somehow a match made in heaven. Daniel and his Forrest Gump-level IQ are a simply joy to have on camera. He’s the only dude I’ve seen on this show volunteering to compare penises, and that says a lot about him.
D-Lo – Down
I’m not going to throw stones for being “the other woman” but good Lord, your mans just ran after his ex right in front of your face. Her stock would’ve flown through the roof if she would’ve shaded Dean and given her rose to Fred.
Derek & Taylor – Down (Last Week: Down)
Their biggest moment of the two episodes was a slow-mo shot of Derek subtly motorboating Taylor. The one conversation between them that was aired was icepick in the ear worthy. All the way down.
Blake – In The Cellar
Blake’s stock is equivalent to those worthless penny stocks that Leo slings in the beginning of The Wolf Of Wall Street. This guy is a chach in every sense of the word. He didn’t even deserve the short time he got on the show.
Dean – Stock Tanked (Last Week: Down)
The only way Dean could’ve crashed down from being nationally beloved faster was if he had murdered his ex-wife and her friend Ron Goldman. He went full fuckboy, and you never ever go full fuckboy. A month ago, Dean was a franchise player; after this week, his reputation is in the goddamn sewers. The least you can say about him is that he had the awareness to sheepishly turn down a date with a Twin that he really wanted to go on, but regardless, his credibility as a human is in shambles.
That being said, Dean will likely parlay this atrocious showing into a return for redemption next year. Major setback for a possible major comeback.
Fred – Down
Poor Fred. Handsome, confident, but not overly douchey, somehow he’s taking Ls left and right. It’s like watching a top-5 pick bust. All the talent in the world and just can’t put it together. Wanted more than one day and done for this guy.
Raven – Up (Last Week: Up)
At this point Raven is the Rizzo of Bachelor In Paradise. She’s got her safe and reliable man, she’s got other girls doing her hair while she relaxes in the sun; she’s got it all. Yeah, that situation with Kristina didn’t go over so hot, but Raven has cemented herself as a power player for this season.
Christen – Way Down (Last Week: Down)
Oh, you thought just because Scallop Fingers has been in high demand that her stock would be up? Hell nah. She turned the most fun looking date on the show into a misery fest. Going out with Blake would suck, but at least enjoy doing some fun boating and zip lining in Mexico. Also, she’s still eating scallops with her bare hands.
Peter – Up (Last Week: Up)
Still handsome as fuck, and spent last week doing hurricane relief with JJ Watt.
Jasmine – Bankrupt (Last Week: Bankrupt)
Make no mistake, Jasmine’s stock is still in the cellar. However, she managed to make it through the last two episodes not doing anything worse. I wouldn’t touch this stock with a ten foot pole, but it hasn’t gotten any worse.
Wells – All The Way Up
The future is endless for this man. Future Bachelor? Love that idea. Heir to Chris Harrison? I’m all-in for that. My new best friend? I mean, he favorited one of my tweets, so yeah I’d say so. Wells is the MVP of this season no matter what else happens.
Consider everyone who’s stock wasn’t touched on too damn boring to even waste the word count on. Next week’s finale should be a doozy. .
Image via Twitter
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
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kyle.bandit
We’ve all had a Dean in our lives, but if we’re being completely honest we’ve all also been Dean at some point.
Every rose has its thorns
Maybe that is what gets us. Hits way to close to home on both sides of the coin.