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I hate the term “road warriors” with a burning passion. Companies throw it around like it’s a positive attribute. “She’s tough, she’s experienced, she’s independent, she’s a road warrior.” Go kick a can, Jim. The only reason why we – the vapid, soulless, semi-autistic people of the consulting world – accept the fate of constant travel is that to us, the travel is worth it. More travel, more money. Plain and simple. But if there’s one thing to know about road warriors other than their ever-suffering home lives it’s this: Don’t mess with our fucking routine.
While most consultants land somewhere between “extreme” and “crippling” on the OCD spectrum, we weekly travelers break the scale completely. If you want to get all diagnostic and clinical, it’s the lack of control that drives us nuts. But in layman’s terms, we are creatures of habit and we like things the way we’ve come to know them.
Take air travel for example. You wake up at the same time to make the same flight you’ve taken for the past 22 Mondays. You know exactly how long it takes you to get to the airport, through TSA PreCheck, and to the lounge for breakfast. But this week they’ve changed the menu and your omelet chef isn’t there. Your head starts spinning as you look around at all the sugar jellos they call yogurt and convince yourself there can’t NOT be some form of real protein. But the desk agent confirms this. You tell her you’ll be writing a complaint about this because, well, BECAUSE. Then, you get onto the plane (starving, of course) and find yourself sitting next to a screaming three-year-old, who’s Mom is so entranced in her US Weekly, it’s as if she’s convinced she’ll find a second husband inside the magazine. Then, as soon as the boarding door is closed, the flight attendant makes an announcement that the wifi isn’t working on your five-hour flight today. “WELL, FUCK. GOODBYE BILLING 50 THIS WEEK,” you think to yourself as you settle into TV-less, movie-less, sleep-less, joyless, world-ending misery.
And that’s just an airport example. Ruffles to hotel routines are much worse. Like when you check into the hotel and the 21-year-old clerk tells you the only room they have available on the Concierge Floor is a handicap accessible room, which is directly next to the loud-as-fuck elevator and doesn’t have a closet. You reluctantly take that room, but not before interrogating the boy-child. Does he think that just because people are handicapped, that means they don’t need their clothes hung? Why couldn’t they have built a closet that’s within handicap compliance standards? All of this is sounding extremely discriminatory. When he doesn’t have an answer and is two seconds away from crying, you walk away and tell him you’ll be reaching out to management about this interaction.
The next morning you wake up for your morning workout promptly at 5:20 am to be at the gym by 5:30. You walk into the gym and of course, the air conditioner isn’t working and there are no free treadmills or ellipticals. You curse at all the other morning workout psychos without acknowledging you are one yourself. Then your remember that your team agreed to go to all-you-can-eat Mongolian Hot Pot tonight, which makes you even angrier at the fact that you can’t get a proper workout in before gorging yourself senseless on lamb shoulder and octopus dumpling.
They say that travel changes you. But clearly, the only way routine disruptions have changed me is by turning me into the senile, ever-complaining Jewish grandma I didn’t expect to become for at least 40 years. But the one good thing that comes from unforeseen circumstances fucking up my weekly routine? I’m 110% justified in demanding points as compensation for my suffering. Guaranteed every travel agent, attendant, clerk, and handler I’ve ever encountered has wished my plane to go down in a fiery ball of fuel and pain, but I couldn’t care less. The road to Diamond is paved with complaints. .
Respond
You sound stressed out. I think you need to get laid.
Dibs?
Given that I don’t think my girlfriend would be too happy if I tried anything funny, by all means go right ahead.
Given sex-less is among the litany of “world-ending misery”, assume there’s lay, but not necessarily good lay.
among => not among
My favorite is having the same bartender at the small regional airports on the way out of town. Very generous with the heavy pours after a long week
There was a bartender at the one and only bar in the Jackson, MS airport (JAN). She and I got to know each other real well last year. I don’t know whatever happened to her. *sniffle*
Ronda in Montgomery was mine. You never forget your first.
Just came here to say I will pay twenty sand dollars (international) to any individual consultant who makes their slogan on their business card “I drink and I know things”
“I’m Devin O’Brien and that’s why I drink”
This reference makes all sorts of sense.
This column continues to be fuego
10/10 on your username/pic combo
You need to read “Up in the air.” The movie is also good too.
Kendrick and Clooney, they could get it
currently staying in a handicap accessible room for week long negoations. Dress shirts hanging on every surface i my room…
Ive always heard that flying for work frequently will make you hate traveling. I never thought that would happen to me until, of course, I started traveling for work.
I used to love the entire experience of flying: the airports, the drinks at the bar beforehand, the actual flight itself. Then I started traveling for work and all of that went out the window. Now everything is a nuisance: the early morning flights, the layovers, the cramped seating, delays. Everything! I just want to get from point a to point b as fast as possible now.
Same. People who don’t travel forwork think I’m psycho when I try and find the literal shortest layover time possible. I need tops 10 min to get from one gate to another and take a pee. Unless LGA (but fuck that place).
I only fly occasionally and have an upcoming flight with a 37-minute layover in Charlotte that makes me nervous as hell since my shortest ever has been an hour.
Charlotte is an easy airport. Everything is walkable. You shouldn’t have a problem.
Upvote for fuck LGA. That place has prematurely aged me.
The worst is when you travel with someone who doesn’t travel a lot. Whole new worlds of pain watching your travel buddy re-lace their shoes after not going through Pre-Check (like some kind of animal) while you’re running late anyway because they checked a bag.
I dunno man, I don’t travel for work but I despise traveling. I fly somewhere 2-3 times a year and each time it’s by far my least favorite part of the trip. Being scared of flying doesn’t help, but airports aren’t exactly welcoming either.
“She’s tough, she’s experienced, she’s independent, she’s a road warrior.” No, assume none of that, except “She’s got a lot of mileage.” (I mean FF points, of course. What else do you think I meant?)
Honest question, but don’t most management consultants fly you business? From what I recall from my friends at BCG they even spring for the lie-flat seats on the SF-NY flights now
Most will for a flight like SFO-JFK because of the length, but depends on the firm and the client. Some clients have policies against booking business class.
Lolololol no. No consultants working at the Big 4 are allowed to fly business unless they’re flying overseas or they’ve hit 75,000 air miles within a year. Most of us can’t even expense our own lunches while traveling.
Took an office gig a year ago this makes me regret it kind of miss the insanity