This Techy Cider Home Brew Machine Is The Epitome Of Millennial Kitchen Gadget Douchebaggery

This Techy Cider Home Brew Machine Is The Epitome of Millennial Kitchen Gadget Douchebaggery

Ever catch yourself thinking about hosting a dinner party and realizing with horror that your friends may not be impressed with what you serve? What if the Sam Adams in your fridge is too “mainstream,” or your hipster coworker has actually heard of the brand of wine you serve? No, that can’t do. Of course, you could shop local and supply growlers full of your city’s namesake brew, but an even better way to impress friends, acquaintances, and neighbors is with an even more local, limited edition brew that can only be served at your dinner party.

That’s right, I’m talking about good ol’ home brew. You can accomplish this in one of two ways – you can certainly create your beer the traditional way and allow it to ferment for weeks on end, or you can be an absolute douchebag and purchase a $500 kitchen gadget that will let you turn your apples into cider in a week. The choice has never been easier.

Alchema is a new home-brewing system in the form of a sleek container that rests attractively on your countertop and pairs with a smartphone app (because, of course, it does). The app contains multiple cider recipes, and walks you through adding your own apples, yeast, and spices to your Alchema machine and spits out a fresh batch of cider in one or two weeks, depending on the recipe and desired alcohol content of your brew. One batch makes around 2 liters, which is totally worth the cost of all of the necessary ingredients and, of course, the Alchema machine that retails for $499.

If you’re struggling with how to impress your friends with just how douchy you can possibly be, I highly recommend purchasing this machine and hosting weekly dinner parties to taste your homemade cider – just don’t be surprised if in three or four weeks your dinner guests begin cancelling on you with a variety of “emergencies.”

Personally, I’ll be serving a combination of Alamos Malbec and Sam Adams seasonal at all of my events, both of which I’ve found pair perfectly with an extra-large Jet’s pizza, so if you want to know where the party really is, you know who to call.

[via Refinery29]

Image via Kickstarter

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Steph W.

Steph W. is a new Master's degree graduate with an intern's salary and six-figure taste. She realizes her expectations far exceed reality, so she spends her days pinning away Loubs she pretends are in her physical closet instead of her virtual one. Her hobbies include attempting to trapping her boyfriend into marriage before he finds out how insane she is and pretending that Black Box wine tastes as good as the kind she could afford when she was gainfully employed. Send her tips for getting out of student debt at

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