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I’m all for capitalism. I just want you to know that before I go in on this woman having the gall to charge $77 per foot for a Christmas tree in New York City. And let me also say that the individuals willing to shell out so much green for an item with the shelf-life of four weeks (more if you’re one of those people) are undoubtedly, morons.
Enter: Heather Neville. Big-time tree scalper and holiday saleswoman extraordinaire.
Per The New York Post:
Longtime Greenwich Village tree seller Heather Neville said Sunday that her tallest — and priciest — offering will command an astonishing $77 per foot from any buyer who can’t haul it home.
“This 13-foot tree — a beautiful fir — is $750, and with delivery, installation with a stand and tip would be $1,000,” said Neville, who bills herself as the NYC Tree Lady.
Having just bought my Christmas tree the other day, I can tell you that I was less than pleased to have paid what I paid for it. It’s not that I dislike Christmas – but my lot of land doesn’t have a good selection of fat evergreen and it is frowned upon to remove timber from other people’s property so unless I want to throw up a fake tree like a total heathen, I have to go out and buy one. But if you tell me that I would be paying upwards of $600 for a tree that would fit in my living room like some of these schmucks in New York are paying, you are out of your fucking mind. I’d be celebrating Hanukkah next year, without a doubt.
It’s not just the tree Heather will get you on, oh no. She provides a detailed breakdown for the consumer on what it will cost you if do not have the means to transport and install your purchased plant.
Neville, 40, broke down the add-ons as $200 for the stand, $25 for delivery and setup and $20 each to the three or four men needed for the job.
Okay. $25 for delivery is a respectable surcharge. And $20 per person to unload it for you is also a fair price. But when you tell me it is going to take four grown men (or women because #equality) to lug a tree for me, you’ve got another thing coming. I hauled my tree all by myself this past weekend. Both into the truck and into the house because I’m a man, damnit. And a $200 fucking tree stand better walk itself into my living room, set the tree perfectly upright, and refill itself with water when the poor sucker is running dry.
Heather is quick to realize that scrooges such as myself will come out firing when news of her Christmas gimmick spreads. She justifies the exorbitant price tag for her trees stating the following:
“They are not a traditional Christmas tree, so they are harder to get,” she said. “Not many farmers grow them. To find a good one is difficult.”
I bet she uses that line on every insufferable hipster with deep enough pockets because how could it not work? Not traditional? Check. Mentions farming in any sort of capacity? Check. Difficulty obtaining product? Check.
Apparently there is a legitimate market for this shit because she has multiple locations throughout Manhattan.
Neville, who runs five other spots across Manhattan, gets all her holiday greenery from a secret source she identified only as “The Farmer.” She priced a hypothetical 15-footer at a whopping $1,200, including delivery and setup.
You know what I could do with $1,200? A lot. I could do a lot of things with $1,200, both good and bad things. Buying a 13-foot tall white fir wouldn’t even crack the top five. If you need me I’ll be over here drowning my disappointment in humanity in this giant bowl of eggnog.
[via New York Post]