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Bachelor parties are the pinnacle once you reach a certain age. This we know. Being younger, you never really felt that tied down when it came to leaving town without your girlfriend. After all, high school girlfriends didn’t count and no one even remembers college.
But things change. You can’t go off the grid like you used to because there’s always going to be someone worrying about you. You can’t go out with a phone at 12 percent battery without getting a wave of anxiety because technology has rendered your drunken inner-compass useless. The term “ball and chain” now makes sense, even if you’re the tough guy of your group who claims that he can “do whatever he wants.”
Kieran Lumsden, a Scottish dude who planned a trip with his boys, learned this the hard way when his girlfriend, Whitney Travers, gave him ten rules before heading out. She legitimately made a book that looks like something you made in grade school, but rather than being a “I like you”-style Valentine’s Day card, it was a step-by-step booklet on being a whipped slave to her. It blew up on Twitter, and for good reason because she’s a flat-out psycho.
The rules read in full:
1. Make sure your phone is charged at ALL times! Phone me at least once a day (2 mins)
2. No girls whatsoever. Don’t look. Don’t talk. Do not touch!!!!!! (Cheat and I will destroy everything Celtic, I will also make your life a living hell. Kim will be told too.)
3. Do not follow girls on social media.
4. TATTOO = NAW, you’ll be checked when you get home
5. DON’T mix drink! “DRUGS ARE FOR MUGS”
6. If on boat party, no drinking games with the opposite sex.
7. Stay in your own bed!
8. Dinny buy girls drink. That money can be spent on me.
9. Text Kim every day! She’ll be worrying.
10. You tell every girl about me ok – if someone flirts, WALK AWAY
NO PHOTOS WITH RANDOM GIRLS OR SC STORIES
Yeah, toots. Here’s a little insight for you that you should probably spread to your friends. I don’t know what the equivalent of Vegas is in Scotland, but we have a little saying here in the U.S. of A – “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Kieran’s boys definitely said, “Kieran, we’re gettin’ mental this weekend whether Whitney knows it or not.” Even if he followed your rules, he didn’t actually follow your rules. He played drinking games with babes, he took Snapchats with them (on their phone, not his), and he bought drinks for them with money that he will no longer be able to spend on you.
The truth hurts, doesn’t it? .
[via Twitter]
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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My friend was forced to have a combined bachelor and bachelorette party so his fiancé “didn’t have to worry”. Needless to say, we don’t see him much anymore.
Had that happen to one of my good buddies in Vegas. What made it even worse was that none of the guys in the bachelor party knew of this arrangement until check in at hotel, went to the pool and “puff”, 10 familiar girls magically appeared.
I flew in from the East Coast and got there last. When I landed, I had like 20 VM’s from everyone basically telling me to hop back on the plane and head home bc the weekend was going to suck.
Wish I had listened, they were right.
I’d have switched hotels at the very least. That’s absolutely brutal.
Oh my god. You need better friends, this is unacceptable.
This very same girl will undoubtly suck off the landscaper while this dude is slaving away at his 60th hour at work to pay for her unrealistic lifestyle because she feels alone and vulnerable since she’s not getting enough attention from him as she sits around the house in one of his oversized shirts, talks on the phone with distant fake friends, and drinks wine out of foofy glasses while ordering useless shit from Amazon Prime to fill her inner void of an empty and uninspiring life.
Think your talking about Tod and the Protagonist
Jesus Christ. I hope he either broke up with her there and then or sent her w picture of him making out with another girl and then broke up with her.
Will’s just mad he didn’t think this up for Chronicles of Todd at the Derby.
Everyone knows Todd doesn’t follow rules, especially at Derby.
The article fails to mention that Kiernan was arrested shortly after this trip for dating a fourth grader.
My wife teaches 4th grade, and I see a lot of their work while she’s grading it. Give 4th graders some credit this was done on a 2nd grade level.
These rules are ridiculous, but I’m more curious about the presentation of the rules. Did she have a 4th grader write these up and add pretty pictures?
Without a doubt, the actual presentation is the biggest red flag. For the sake of her, I wish this was just a screenshot of a text conversation.
sup Kim.
Feminine competition anxiety is either a hit or a miss. Most women would just give their boyfriends the best sex of their life before going on a trip like this; but then there’s this bitch…
Who’s Kim tho?
Dudes mom? That’s my guess.
I’m not saying a friend of mine that had a similar set of rules made out with a girl in Vegas, but I’m sure it was hypothetically possible.
You can just say it was you that did that. It’s okay, we don’t judge here at PGP.
Missing the prerequisite girlfriend for these stories to ever be about me. PGP