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I suck at giving Christmas gifts. Like, truly awful. I might as well fill a box with the correct number of one-dollar bills that feels appropriate for wherever I feel our relationship is.
But let me say this: I’m not such an imbecile that I’d give someone this $85 fucking rock from Nordstrom.
Described as a “Medium Leather Wrapped Stone,” you’d truly have to be a dumbass filled with all the Christmas cheer there is in the world to think that this is in any way an acceptable gift to pass off to someone. Like, seriously. You either have to be a completely delusional mid-century modern dipshit or be rich and have enough money that you can throw some away on a damn rock covered in leather.
Even the product description is the goddamn worst.
A paperweight? A conversation piece? A work of art? It’s up to you, but this smooth Los Angeles-area stone—wrapped in rich, vegetable-tanned American leather secured by sturdy contrast whipstitching—is sure to draw attention wherever it rests. A traditional hardening process gives the leather a beautiful ombré effect. Like all Made Solid leather pieces, this one is cut, shaped, sewn and finished by hand in artist Peter Maxwell’s Los Angeles studio. Using vintage leatherworking tools and traditional saddle-stitching techniques, Maxwell aims to create beautiful designs that embody both simplicity and functionality, and that develop rich character and patina over time.
Patina over time? Guess what else has timed patina? All the other fucking rocks that wash ashore out of any body of water that’s ever existed. These Los Angeles dumbasses that created this really went all in on their vegetable-tanned leather and whipstitching, whatever the fuck that is. If you actually give a fuck about the ombré effect on this piece of trash, you’re dumb enough to believe that the artist Peter Maxwell is an actual artist and not just some dude who takes long walks, collects rocks in a burlap sack, and knows that a bunch of pretentious aging rich people will be willing to drop a Benjamin on it when shipping gets tacked on.