As we get older, the pressure to lock someone down is stronger than ever. Every day, Facebook lets you know about another weirdo getting engaged that you thought would be an ancient cat lady for eternity, which means the pressure is on. So, it makes sense that you would start to think about how you’re fine being single, because you love yourself the most. Plus, embracing your single status is far better than crying over being forever alone into a bottle of wine. However, that probably doesn’t mean you should marry yourself, but apparently that’s always an option.
Jeffrey and Bonnie Levin, a husband and wife team from Los Angeles (of course), have created a company called “I Married Me,” which sends you a package that lets you marry yourself for the low price of $300. Now, I can think of about 300 other ways to spend all those dollars, but I digress. I can totally see someone going on a wine fueled Facebook stalking rampage that culminates with blackout buying one of these boxes. That’s 21st century romance, you guys.
If you think about marrying yourself, it kind of makes sense. After all, when you get married, you get tons of awesome gifts, whether it’s ridiculously expensive china or potentially useless lingerie. Let’s be honest, I would do almost anything, including possibly marrying myself, if it came with a new car and laptop. Maybe I’ll pull a Carrie Bradshaw with a registry to match.
The power couple behind this marriage for one believes that you shouldn’t wait for love to find you. While I don’t believe in being completely passive when it comes to meeting members of the opposite sex, I don’t think you need to condemn yourself to a life of being single with a ceremony. But hey, I opened a really tightly-closed jar the other day all by myself, so now I never need a husband. Luckily, I recently made a marriage pact with someone, My Best Friend’s Wedding style, which means I’ll never have to like cats, or spend $300 on marrying myself. What a relief.
The creators of the marriage box might be married to each other, but they so believe in loving yourself first that at their own wedding they self-married all of their guests. While I understand that it’s tough to be single at a wedding, why not go home with the best man? That sounds better than going home with your new (old) partner: yourself.
With the Self-Wedding-In-A-Box, anyone can put a ring on it at anytime. Your box will have a ring (you choose from rose, white, or yellow gold, but I’ve always wanted platinum so looks like I’m SOL). It also includes special vows that you say to yourself, which I’m pretty sure will make you look like one of those creepy maybe-hobos talking on a Bluetooth in public. Finally, it comes with day-of-the-week affirmation cards, which is probably the most depressing part. Why not just look at inspirational Pinterest quotes for free? If you’re feeling cheap, you can trade in your ring for a $45 sterling silver one. Quick question: what happens when someone asks who you’re married to? Good luck having to explain that it’s because you’re FBO with your OTL, you. It’s like wearing a promise ring, only creepier.
I get being a strong independent woman who don’t need no man, but tying yourself to yourself for eternity is kind of overkill. It’s reminiscent of an episode of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse that scarred me as a child, when Pee-Wee marries fruit salad. Why did he have to marry it, wasn’t loving it enough? This is the adult version of a useless wedding.
While Levin and Powers, the creator of the loneliest wedding for one, have a great idea, because you should love yourself the most, I don’t understand why you need to pay to do so. They think it’s a good way to validate you, and prove that you’re not waiting around for anyone else, Rapunzel style. Their company hopes to expand the movement (much like Miley: The Movement) by holding mass self-weddings everywhere. The kits are only supposed to be used if you can’t attend. Honestly, the reason a lot of people get married so young is because they’re waiting for marriage, so it’s unclear why you’d need to tie the knot with yourself before you’re forty, unwed, and surrounded by cats who might feast on your body if you trip in the tub. I understand, as it’s scary to see engagement announcements left and right, and jealousy can be a major factor… but I can’t help but think it will be way more awkward to post a Facebook photo of you marrying yourself.