Easy enough. Buy two pounds of ground beef (get it as lean as possible). Brown the beef. Drain the beef. Add one packet of chili seasoning. Add two cloves of minced garlic. Add raw jalapenos. Add one can of black beans (trust me). Add one can of sweet corn (trust me again). Add one large can of diced tomatoes. Set heat to medium-low. Let it simmer for a couple of hours. Use that couple of hours to go buy styrofoam bowls and plastic spoons. Feed 4-6 normal people or 2-3 hangry people.
Cheese Rotel Dip
Go to a grocery store. Buy two blocks of Velveeta cheese, one can of rotel tomatoes. Literally just dump it in your crock pot, put it on high and wait an hour. Crowd pleaser bonus: put some leftover taco meat in it. Boom. Queso con carne. You’re a hero.
Go to a grocery store/gas station. Purchase a vegetable tray. Nothing says, “I am an adult who is responsible!” more than a veggie tray. Too bad all the ranch dressing in the middle is going to be used for dipping fried meat and whoever is hosting the party is going to have a 2/7ths of a veggie tray just laying around their home for two days after the Big Game. You still will look incredibly responsible.
Same as above, except people will respect you more, because you brought meat for consumption instead of vegetables, thereby treating your friends like rabbits. People will also assume you make a lot of money.
A Bottle Of Wine
Everyone will roll their eyes at you and judge you for this, but you are a grownup. You pay taxes in this country, and are well within your rights to look like a huge pussy on the biggest football day of the year, but a distinguished pussy.
Buffalo Chicken Dip
Go buy a rotisserie chicken. Take the skin off. Shred it. Mix it with ranch dressing dry mix and a cup of sour cream. Add a block of cream cheese. Then add half a bottle of hot sauce. Mix it up some more. Put it in a pan and cover it in shredded cheese (colby jack or GTFO). Bake 15 minutes. Eat the entire pan by yourself before you even leave for the party.
Go to a grocery store. Purchase refried beans, guacamole, queso fresco, lettuce, tomato, salsa, taco seasoning and ground beef. After browning the meat and adding the taco seasoning, place the refried beans and ground beef at the bottom and work your way up. After all of the ingredients have turned into a diarrhea brown/green mush, return to the grocery store and buy a pre-packaged seven layer dip.
Bring it to congratulate the fans of whichever team wins. Too bad no one at the party roots for the Broncos or Seahawks. Drink the entire bottle by yourself and pass out in the third quarter.