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Single
19-year-old John: I approach women with the sole intention of sleeping with them. Barely listen to a word they say.
28-year-old JR: Most of the women I meet are in relationships or married. Barely listen to a word they say.
John: I brag to all my buddies about any type of action I get. HJ, BJ, whatever.
JR: Do people still give handjobs?
John: This chick seems pretty into me. Better play it cool and not act too interested.
JR: “What?” The music in here is so damn loud.
John: We’ve both been drinking heavily. Let’s go back to my place and see if I can close the deal.
JR: I think I’m going to fucking puke. Who decided to popularize tiki bars?
John: Manscaping regularly is key. You never know when you’re going to get some.
JR: I’ve been using the same filthy electric razor on myself for five years. I probably have folliculitis.
John: “Let’s move this out to the living room…”
JR: “Can we take a quick time out?” I need to stretch out my bad hip.
John: This feels so good, I feel like I’m about to explode!
JR: My fucking heart feels like it’s going to explode.
John: Sex for me is like running a marathon.
JR: Sex for me is like competing in the Special Olympics.
John: “Here let me grab you a towel and we can hop into the shower together.”
JR: walks over to couch and flips on Sportscenter
John: “Yeah, I’ll call you.” I’m not gonna call.
JR: “You want to stay over for breakfast?” I’ll probably have a 9-month relationship with this girl that will end poorly.
In A Relationship
John: We haven’t done it in forty-eight hours. I’m losing my goddamn mind.
JR: Hey, I don’t remember the last time we did it. We probably should this weekend.
John: First thing we have to do after we check in is have hotel sex.
JR: First thing we have to do after we check in is get room service.
John: “Don’t worry babe I made sure to bring condoms.”
JR: “Did you take your pill today?” Eh, either way let’s risk it.
John: An extended amount of foreplay is key. Really get her warmed up before doing the deed.
JR: “Can I just shove it in?” I have a canker sore and she hasn’t showered.
John: Ooh we should go to a sex shop and buy some outfits…
JR: “Can I keep my slippers on?” This floor is freezing.
John: I’m going to half-jokingly bring up the idea of a threesome with her and her friend in hopes that she agrees.
JR: The dog licked my leg during. Does that count?
John: We should incorporate some desserts into our sex.
JR: We should have dessert instead of sex.
John: “Would you ever want to try some butt stuff or…?”
JR: Ehh no thanks. What’s the appeal again?
John: I don’t mind doing all the work. I’m just happy to be in the game, Coach.
JR: Hope she’s in the mood to do all the work tonight.
John: “I swear this never happens to me!” Must have been all the booze.
JR: “Great, it fucking happened again. Narcos?”.
Image via Shutterstock
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
19-Year-Old Cube: “Only had sex 5 times this week, something must be wrong.”
26-Year-Old Cube: “Only had sex 5 times this year, things are looking up.”
19-year-old Ruxin: “Does porn count? If so, I’m really good at the sex”.
26-year-old Ruxin: “I’ve got a banging hot wife who let’s me sleep with her once a year and I’m pretty sure she has a thing with her brother… Oh well, I’ll do the work myself when she leaves.”
The bounce test videos seem to work well
19-year-old Robby: “Who should I invite to formal? The sure thing, or the girl I’ve been trying to get for the last 4 months?”
26-year-old Robby: “I’m about to turn 27 and I can’t remember the last time I met a single woman…those constant match.com ads are starting to wear me down”
19-year-old-Makers: “I think my TA wants to bang.”
29-year-old-Makers: “My student thinks if she fucks me she’ll get a B.”
but will she?
I don’t think Mrs. Marksman would appreciate that.
I wouldn’t know if I’ve gotten worse at sex…
19-Year-Old Bill: ‘Hey babe, we only had sex three times last night. Let’s double that today.”
25-Year-Old Bill: “We had sex twice last night and now my lower back hurts. Let’s wait a few days for it to heal before doing it again.”
Expected more out of a childhood icon…
You should get used to disappointment. Life’s full of it.
Things I’ve never been good at: sex
Congrats on the sex.
Surprised/thankful that you didn’t murder anyone this week
What do you mean
19 y/o ky — “You should probably hydrate beforehand, could be a long night.”
25 y/o ky — -hip cramps so hard that I fall over 5-10 minutes in, abs are on fire- “Yeah are you close? Because I think I might actually die.”
…sup?
Do you want a alcohol?
Definitely going out tonight after reading this.
Hit a Wednesday night happy hour(s) for the first time in a while yesterday. None of this happened and I’m barely awake at work. What happened to me…
19 year old Brunch: Sex is something for a guy you’re seriously dating and are in love with
22 year old Brunch: “Well, he did pay for dinner…”
Want to get dinner tomorrow?
Fuck we need an edit button, I’m 25.
(19) Bluto: I’m gonna slip a finger up her ass.
(26) Tired Bluto: Christ, I hope she doesn’t try to stick a finger up my ass…