Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Restaurants

Things I've Gotten Worse At

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Weekends.

23 year old John: No reservations? Sure we’ll wait! Let’s stand around on the sidewalk for an hour.
28 year old JR: “I don’t care if they are finishing their dessert. This is garbage we have a reservation.”

John: I read on Twitter this is the hottest new restaurant in town!
JR: Restaurants with single nouns for names suck. Raven. Sailboat. I should tweet that.

John: So glad they could fit us in. This tiny table next to the bathroom is fine right?
JR: “Yeah no, we’re not sitting here. Something by the window please.”

John: I treat my server with the utmost respect because I remember what it was like working in the food industry.
JR: I treat them exactly as they should be treated. As lazy, insincere teenagers, who can’t handle simple things like multi tasking or following directions.

John: (to server) “Hi, what’s your name? Thank you for taking care of us!”
JR: (to server) “Hi, first off, can you just bring us a carafe of water? What drought?”

John: Let’s get a bottle of this wine. This one’s from Australia it sounds fancy.
JR: “She’ll have a Brut Rose and I’ll have a vodka soda.” We’re trying to do a no carbs thing.

John: Now let’s talk about some really important stuff I’ve been meaning to get off my chest before the apps get here.
JR: Let’s silently eavesdrop on the couple next to us and communicate to each other how awful they are through facial expressions.

John: “Order whatever you want babe, it’s my treat.”
JR: “It’s your turn to pay for dinner. I bought groceries this week remember?

John: “You want to split an entrée?”
JR: “Can I substitute one of the side dishes for my bread? I don’t care about the upcharge.”

John: This entrée is pretty good, not exactly what I expected but I’m happy with it.
JR: Not only am I going to send back this pork loin, I’m going to Yelp the shit out of it too.

John: “Can I get a to-go box? Any way you can put the sides, salad and some extra bread in there too?”
JR: “Naw I’m good, take it away.”

John: We should come back here for your birthday!
JR: “Oh also, it’s both of our birthdays. Crazy right?”

John: Sure, we’ll take a look at the desert menu.
JR: I’m lactose intolerant, remember? Fine I’ll have a scoop but I’m camping out in the bathroom when we get home.

John: No matter what, everybody deserves a 20% tip.
JR: We lowered his tip a dollar for every minute he yammered on about his student loans.

John: Let’s sit here while we digest and engage in deep conversation until the restaurant closes.
JR: (finishes last bite) “Alright let’s get the fuck out of here.”

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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