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23 year old John: No reservations? Sure we’ll wait! Let’s stand around on the sidewalk for an hour.
28 year old JR: “I don’t care if they are finishing their dessert. This is garbage we have a reservation.”
John: I read on Twitter this is the hottest new restaurant in town!
JR: Restaurants with single nouns for names suck. Raven. Sailboat. I should tweet that.
John: So glad they could fit us in. This tiny table next to the bathroom is fine right?
JR: “Yeah no, we’re not sitting here. Something by the window please.”
John: I treat my server with the utmost respect because I remember what it was like working in the food industry.
JR: I treat them exactly as they should be treated. As lazy, insincere teenagers, who can’t handle simple things like multi tasking or following directions.
John: (to server) “Hi, what’s your name? Thank you for taking care of us!”
JR: (to server) “Hi, first off, can you just bring us a carafe of water? What drought?”
John: Let’s get a bottle of this wine. This one’s from Australia it sounds fancy.
JR: “She’ll have a Brut Rose and I’ll have a vodka soda.” We’re trying to do a no carbs thing.
John: Now let’s talk about some really important stuff I’ve been meaning to get off my chest before the apps get here.
JR: Let’s silently eavesdrop on the couple next to us and communicate to each other how awful they are through facial expressions.
John: “Order whatever you want babe, it’s my treat.”
JR: “It’s your turn to pay for dinner. I bought groceries this week remember?”
John: “You want to split an entrée?”
JR: “Can I substitute one of the side dishes for my bread? I don’t care about the upcharge.”
John: This entrée is pretty good, not exactly what I expected but I’m happy with it.
JR: Not only am I going to send back this pork loin, I’m going to Yelp the shit out of it too.
John: “Can I get a to-go box? Any way you can put the sides, salad and some extra bread in there too?”
JR: “Naw I’m good, take it away.”
John: We should come back here for your birthday!
JR: “Oh also, it’s both of our birthdays. Crazy right?”
John: Sure, we’ll take a look at the desert menu.
JR: I’m lactose intolerant, remember? Fine I’ll have a scoop but I’m camping out in the bathroom when we get home.
John: No matter what, everybody deserves a 20% tip.
JR: We lowered his tip a dollar for every minute he yammered on about his student loans.
John: Let’s sit here while we digest and engage in deep conversation until the restaurant closes.
JR: (finishes last bite) “Alright let’s get the fuck out of here.”.