Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Job Interviews

Screen Shot 2016-08-18 at 8.09.51 AM

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Budgeting.

22 year old John: Yes! Interview confirmed. My whole future rests on that one half hour senior year when we were taught how to interview.
28 year old JR: “Yeah sure I’ll stop by to chat about the role.”

John: “Sorry guys, I can’t do anything tonight.” This interview is in two days and I need to study up on EVERYTHING about this place.
JR: I’m not even sure what this company does. Quick Google search will do it and I guess I’ll find out the rest when I get in there.

John: Better grab my suit from the dry cleaners. Dress for the job you want!
JR: I’ll hang this button down in the bathroom while I shower to get the wrinkles out. And I’ll wear my nice jeans.

John: Need to find a printer so I have extra copies of my resume handy.
JR: Do people still use printers? Eh they’ll probably have it on their computers.

John: Oh man, the interview is in an hour! I’m so full of nervous energy right now.
JR: opens new incognito window

In the lobby

John: “No water for me, thanks.”
JR: “Sure, I’ll take a water.” You don’t want to be the guy who eventually wants the water.

John: I want this job so badly. I know that if I get it, I’ll finally be happy.
JR: Ultimately do I want to change jobs and have to pretend to give a shit for six to eight months for a little more money? We’ll see.

In the interview

John: Gotta go in for the strong handshake and eye contact. I need to make an immediate positive first impression.
JR: Gotta grab the head seat at the conference room table. I need to establish dominance over the person interviewing me.

John: “A little bit about myself? Yeah sure, uh…” I’m going to make it sound like my part time college job and that one internship were more impactful than they really were.
JR: “I’m from Chicago. Go Bulls, Bears, Blackhawks, and Cubs. I’ll fight any White Sox fan in your office.”

John: “My biggest weakness? Well I was a college athlete so I get a little competitive and can be hard on myself sometimes.”
JR: “If I lose a big deal I curse loudly, knock my desk chair over and storm out of the office. You probably won’t see me for a few days but I always come back.”

John: “Uh actually, can I get that water now?”
JR: “How many vacation days do you guys give?”

John: “Yes I do have a question for you. In your own words, what would you say it’s like working here?”
JR: “No, I’m good. Do you have any more questions for ME?”

John: Oh man, I can’t believe this job pays so many thousands of dollars. I’m going to have to work my ass off to prove I deserve it.
JR: “Let’s talk about a signing bonus.” Treat me like a highly touted NFL wide out or else I’m going to your immediate competitor.


John: “Thank you so much, I’m really looking forward to hearing from you.”
JR: “You guys know of a good sando spot around here?”

John: I’d better rush home to write out thoughtful, unique thank you notes to each person I met today.
JR: Oh look, a bar.

John: I’m going to spend the next two weeks not sleeping and feverishly checking my email until I hear from somebody.
JR: “Haha hey I got that job I interviewed for.” I’m not gonna take it.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

12 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More