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22 year old John: Oh man, first day at my brand new job. I definitely need to take this opportunity to make a memorable first impression.
28 year old JR: Great, it’s the first day of my third job. I’ve been doing this long enough that I’m sure it’s cool if I show up at 10AM. Eh 10:30.
John: Gotta wear a fresh button up and a pair of chinos to the office everyday. You know what they say, dress for the job you want!
JR: I hope nobody notices that I really only wear the same five shirts and two pairs of pants. Actually who cares.
John: “What kind of music do I listen to? Pretty much everything, what do YOU listen to?”
JR: Oh you’re one of those “I knew them before they were big” people. Go fuck yourself.
John: Bro, that game last night was incredible! Let’s offer the same mediocre takes on the fourth quarter for 23 agonizing minutes while everybody is forced to listen to us.
JR: “Sorry not a sports fan. I’m a big jigsaw puzzle guy.” (pops in ear buds playing sports talk radio)
John: “Even though I brought my lunch I’d love to join you guys!” I don’t want to end up as the Steven Glansberg of the office.
JR: “Pass – I spent too much money at the grocery store this week.” Brown baggin’ it at my desk, son.
John: “Sure, I’d love to come to your birthday dinner on Friday!”
JR: I’ll pass on awkwardly eating next to your college roommate’s boyfriend and then getting screwed when its time to pay the bill.
John: The key is to butter up the other 22 year old new hire so you can hang with her and her friends on the weekends…
JR: The Capital R Roommate’s mother is in town this weekend. I’ll probably spend Saturday following them in and out of every store in the city while my battery dies from staring at Twitter.
John: Gotta make sure I know everybody’s name by the end of the first week!
JR: I’ve sat in front of this girl for a year and couldn’t guess her name if you held a gun to my head. And she brings that stupid dog in everyday.
John: Oh shoot, I had plans for this weekend but I can definitely cancel them to hang out! It’s important that we’re friendly outside of work.
JR: Sorry, I’m not accepting auditions for any new friends. I’ve got three I see every year at Christmas and even that’s too much.
John: “Sure I can do happy hour! Oh you can’t leave until 8? OK I’ll stick around the office until you’re ready…”
JR: “Sorry I have a dinner I have to leave early for…” I know what I said about the grocery store earlier but I’ve made myself just forgettable enough for them not to remember.
John: The boss keeps stressing office culture being important, even though he never comes to anything after hours. But that’s cool, I get where he’s coming from.
JR: The second he leaves for the day I’m one step behind him. I dare him to call me on it.
John: I love getting closer to the ones I spend so much of my day around! You guys are like my second family.
JR: I don’t want to spend a single second longer with you people than I have to.
John: The most important thing is that everybody I work with accepts me and treats me with the respect that I deserve.
JR: I’m just doing enough to get by. Doesn’t matter what people think of me..