Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Fantasy Football

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Fantasy Football

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Anniversaries.

24-year-old John: “You guys getting pumped for our draft?” I set aside my whole weekend to prepare for it.
28-year-old JR: Great, completely forgot about the draft and now I have to start while we’re at dinner and rush over there later.

John: Alright, fifty dollar buy-in, not bad.
JR: Our buy-in this season is more than my rent was in college.

John: While drafting, I’m going to go with my gut and it will most likely pay off.
JR: I’m going to pick based upon research and reason and it’ll 100 percent blow up in my face.

John: “Sure you can join if you’ve never played! I’m happy to walk you through how it all works.”
JR: “Sure you can join.” I’m happy to take all of your hard-earned money.

John: Always forget how long these take. Two hours in and we’re only on the 8th round!
JR: “Sorry I’m so late guys. Would have been here earlier if it weren’t for my Uber. God my driver made me so MAD…”

John: Need to grab a high touch RB in a run-first offense early on.
JR: “Reggie Bush is a solid player right?” I feel like he was good at one point.

John: “Anybody hear about this app FanDuel? It’s like printing money if you know your stuff!”
JR: Yeah, DFS are a rip-off.

John: I’m going to shake things up and draft a tight end earlier than I should!
JR: “What shaking? I’m not shaking, I’m just pumped that football is back! Hey, can I use your shower?”

John: I prefer to build my team off the waiver wire and scoop up any late bloomers throughout the season.
JR: I should pick this guy up because my coworker’s a Raiders fan and says he’ll be good *shrugs*.

John: I’m in three fantasy football leagues again this year. Love it.
JR: Got dragged into a bullshit work league AGAIN this year.

John: “Is there any more beer in the fridge? If not I can run out.”
JR: “Are those sirens getting louder?”

John: Let’s argue passionately about Yahoo versus ESPN for twenty-five minutes and get nowhere.
JR: Should we have that one random dude that nobody knew back this year? He contributed nothing.

John: “You know what would be fun? If we got our girlfriends to play in the league with us!”
JR: While asking the Capital R roommate to join would be a layup, I prefer my Sundays on the couch Han.

John: *tears up notebook* Back to the drawing board!
JR: *breaks bathroom window and leaps two stories*

John: By the end of the draft, nobody knows who any of these guys are!
JR: I don’t know who any of these guys are.

John: I can’t wait to go over my roster with the guys in the office tomorrow, in excruciating detail.
JR: I’m not going to let anyone at work know that I play fantasy. Fitting in isn’t all that important to me.

John: “Good luck this season everybody! Thanks in advance for all your money hahaha!”
JR: “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” *drives off in dead Uber driver’s car*

Image via Youtube

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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