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22-year-old John: Friday night! Can’t wait to get a good long lift in at the gym.
28-year-old JR: I guess I’ll go tonight. I generally despise everyone and nobody’s there on a Friday.
John: Takes 30 minute El ride into the Loop to go to a “sports club.”
JR: Walks one block to neighborhood gym.
John: Perfect, my lifting partner Oak is here! I love that big motherfucker — he always pushes my limits.
JR: Oh no, that weird German guy is here. He always works out in jeans and asks me to spot him.
John: Gotta warm up the engine! A brisk two-mile run on the treadmill should do the trick.
JR: One mile. And not fast enough where I can’t text.
John: Now some deep hip and back stretches that Oak can help me with. I’m all about maintaining flexibility while at the same time increasing strength.
JR: I guess I loosened my muscles up when I ran.
John: “Oh dude, I love this song! They always play the best music on Friday nights.”
JR: Why haven’t I made a workout playlist on my Spotify? I guess now’s as good a time as any to start one.
John: Alright, today’s chest, back, and abs day. I’ll hit each muscle area with three different exercises. I should probably superset too since it’s all about muscle confusion.
JR: I’m just going to walk around the gym in circles until I find a machine that’s both unoccupied and looks easy.
John: I’ve been tracking my lifting progress in my phone and I’ve made some huge gains these past three weeks!
JR: Zero idea what weight I should start with. 40 sounds heavy.
John: “7, 8, 9, 10! I think I can push through and do two more! Spot me, Oak.”
JR: What number was I on again? Eh it feels like I almost did ten.
John: “Bro, did you see the girl’s ass over there on the elliptical? Don’t stare! Find some sort of excuse to walk by her!”
JR: I think that chick used to be a man. I’m not transphobic, I’ve just never seen shoulders like that on a woman.
John: Last thing we need to do is attack that core. Let’s get on the ground and do some planks!
JR: lies down on ground
John: The best way to cool down after a two-hour workout is a couple games of HORSE. Loser buys dinner!
JR: The best way to cool down after a 38-minute workout is to sit on the ground and look at Instagram. Then order dinner from GrubHub.
John: Better hit the steam room and sauna to really detox before the weekend. Then it’s cold shower time and Oak and I will hit up some late-night dinner.
JR: Leaves gym in the middle of his third-to-last set
John: This protein shake is so good, tastes like chocolate milk.
JR: This whiskey is so good, tastes like whiskey.
The next morning
John: Man, I’m sore! Better get my workout in early today so I have the remainder of the weekend for rest and recovery.
JR: Man, I’m hungover. Guess I’m not going to the gym again anytime soon..