Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Drinking

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Drinking

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Friendship.

21-year-old John: No Friday classes this semester, so it’s a three-day weekend! Let’s do this.
28-year-old JR: I guess I can stop off for a few pops.

John: I really like a bar that doesn’t have any windows. Really makes the time fly by!
JR: 3.5 stars on Yelp and half a mile from my place? I’ll give it a whirl.

John: Ooh, look they have fishbowls here. Let’s get the one with the different colored Swedish Fish in it!
JR: These cocktails look too sugary for me. “I’ll probably just get a Tito’s soda… don’t forget the lemon!”

John: “Light beers on special? We’ll take a half dozen of those.”
JR: “On second thought, do you have any pilsners? I don’t want anything too hoppy. Oh, and a water too? Sorry…”

John: I’m not feeling this beer; I think I’m going to switch to tequila.
JR: You know what they say- beer before liquor, never been sicker. My dad taught me that.

John: “This song is fucking awesome! When I get home I’m going to YouTube how to Dougie.”
JR: “I just wish we could go to a bar where we can hear each other talk.”

John: “Yeah keep it open.”
JR: “Close it.”

John: “Oh, and a shot of Jaymo too. Thanks!”
JR: “Can I get that water too? So sorry…”

John: “What type of bomb should we do? Vegas bomb? Irish car bomb?!”
JR: “When I was in Ireland I learned ordering a ‘car bomb’ is very offensive. It’d be like them coming here and trying to order a ‘9/11’.”

John: “Shots? Who’s doin’ shots? Let’s get a round of shots!”
JR: “Yeah I just got a cortisone shot earlier this week. It’s really done wonders for my bad hip.”

John: Now that I’m more than a few in, I’m going to go over to that group of Midwest 6s and try to FIND OUT.
JR: The Capital R is not going to be happy I’m coming home smelling like booze. I promised her we’d do some online shopping for the new place tonight.

John: “I’m going to grab us another round! What does everybody want?”
JR: “Can I get another water please? Sorry…”

John: I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette or two tonight.
JR: “Does anybody have any of their ‘medicine’ on them that I could sample?”

John: One last drink should do it! “Can you make a Long Island Iced Tea?”
JR: I’m falling asleep. “Can I get an Arny Palmie? Oh and another water. Sorry…”

John: “Dude, I don’t think I can drive home. Is it cool if I crash on your couch?”
JR: “I’m grabbing an Uber and getting the fuck out of here.”

*Upon arriving home*

John: pops open laptop (for porn)
JR: pops open bottle of Ibuprofen (for headaches)

*The next morning*

John: “Where we going tonight?!”
JR: I think I’m going to take a few weeks off drinking.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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