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18 year old John: Just got my paycheck! Time to hit the mall on Saturday and pick up some fresh threads.
28 year old JR: Damn, it’s been like 14 months since I’ve bought new clothes.
John: Love spending all day at the mall trying to find the perfect outfit for the weekend.
JR: If we go to more than one store I’ll throw a fit and sit underneath a mannequin like a child.
John: I always walk right to the Sales rack to see if I can sniff out a good deal.
JR: The Capital R Roommate always walks right to the Sales rack and insists I buy half a dozen things I don’t need.
John: I’m going to be real sneaky-like and try to return a shirt I bought over thirty days ago.
JR: I’m going to see if the assistant manager will accept my return even though the shirt is faded from three years of wear and tear.
John: I hope the guys in my office don’t notice that I wear the same clothes for each day of the week.
JR: The guys in my office can go fuck themselves.
John: Definitely can’t afford this. I’m going to keep the security tags on and return it tomorrow.
JR: Great – I ordered three different sizes of this jacket online then forget to return the other two in time.
John: You can’t pass up 60% off. You just can’t!
JR: This assistant manager won’t let me return the shirt. This pisses me off so much.
John: “Wait, I didn’t realize Costco carried clothes!” I can buy everything I need to wear there.
JR: The intern in my office wears those shiny button-down Kirkland shirts I call “balloonwear.” Wouldn’t be caught dead in that shit.
John: Good thing I still have friends that work at Footlocker to give me discounts on fresh kicks.
JR: I wear special shoes for my plantar fasciitis.
John: I’m going to wait around for a big sale before I commit to such an expensive purchase.
JR: I’m going to wait in the men’s room until the mall closes and follow the assistant manager to his car.
John: “You’re going to J Crew? Did you get money for your birthday or something?”
JR: Not sure why I have a pair of chinos in every color. I just wear the same two pairs of jeans: the dark ones and the darker ones.
John: Whoops, almost walked out of the store wearing that sweatshirt. I wouldn’t want to get in trouble.
JR: Of course I shoplift. I’m also buying a bunch of stuff too- in case I get caught I can just say I forgot to put them in my bag. White male privilege.
John: Gotta stop at Lids and pick up a fresh new flat brim before leaving. Size 7 5/8’s of course.
JR: “Oh my God what have I done…” I can’t believe this happened again.
John: “Yup, in my white tee!” There’s no way these ever go out of style.
JR: I only buy slim cut mediums. It’s to motivate me to keep the weight off.
John: Ehhh I don’t know how I feel about this outfit. If I’m on the fence it’s not worth buying.
JR: “Fine I’ll get it. No you like it so I’ll get it.” I probably won’t ever wear it.
John: As soon as I get home I’m throwing all of these new items in the laundry. I’ll probably shrink a third of them.
JR: *washes blood off in gas station bathroom*.
Image via Shutterstock
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
The secret to clothes shopping is the sourcing of the materials. Shit made in Pakistan has the highest quality and durability besides here in America. The shit from China and Bangladesh is trash. Here’s my rule of thumb. Test the material’s strength and make sure it can be used as a clothing chain among other strong clothes so that you can make an escape rope out of any sort of window in the case that you need to because sometimes life gets tough and the only answer is to gtfo of the situation. That’s why it’s always good to wear layers. Also, if you’ve expended all options and this movie, I mean life that you’re witnessing isn’t for you then those strong clothes can be used for something else, I’ll leave that open ended for your minds but put it this way, no one’s gonna blame you for walking out early.
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Your comments are so terrible I can’t even stand it. Please do something better with your time
Hello,
Here at Devin O’Brien, your opinion matters. Thank you for taking the time to express your concerns. A trusted associate will be in contact with you shortly to discuss your ongoing situation.
Thank you for your patience.
P.S. Kohl’s is having a sale on long sleeve Cutter & Buck button downs which are perfect for the circumference of your neck and or balling up and placing in your mouth until you know your place in this realm.
You and mhc28 should create your own website where you both just complain about how terrible everything is and then slowly but surely begin to resent each other until it eventually evolves into you two commenting on how terrible you each are
They have to be the same person, right? No way multiple people can be this miserable.
They only post Johnny D’s wildly negative stories there.
I think someone is having a bad week and needs to go sit in the corner until they can be nice again.
If you step to the king, you’d best not miss.
Who invited this ATL guy anyways?
Your mom
I’ve finally encountered someone more bitter than Austin Johnny D
JR killed a guy….
PGPM
Relating to nearly all of these. PGP
But for real. Costco has some dope business attire.
Great article series JR. I know you don’t need validation from me, but I thoroughly enjoy them
I hear Clorox is having a sale if you get thirsty.
Just like I said Madoff’s articles suck, I’m saying I enjoy JR’s. I give credit where it’s due
Cool.
Neat
Fags
Dude, not cool. Take that language and go back to TFM.
Triggered.
I’m good dude
Ah dude, savage!
You’re probably the type of guy that thinks he’s smarter than everyone of his higher ups
*Every one, and yeah, probably.
How do you suck off JR and fuck Nevid at the same time? Impressive skills, my friend.
Lots of practice.
ATLguy sucks worse than the Atlanta Braves