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This month is my birthday month. I know, I know. Cue the eye rolls and the groans from the peanut gallery about how every girl makes way too big of a deal about her birthday. Say what you want, but September has always been a killer month for me because I get to look forward to a day filled with cake, cocktails, and unapologetically celebrating me.
Regretfully, I must concede that this birthday is going to be a little different. I have a lot going on in my life, so I can’t have a completely, debauchery filled week of nothing but poor choices. I’m taking a vacation for the ol’ b-day, but it isn’t until after the fact so it’s not like I’ll be on vacay on the same day I came into the world. I also am faced with a lot of family and work stuff that I can’t slack off on just because waltzing around in a tiara and a tutu, Carrie Bradshaw-style sounds more appealing.
That being said, even though I can’t go completely balls to the wall for this birthday, I’m still compiling a birthday wish-list. It’s the only child in me, I guess. However, I know that while I can wish upon a star for things I that I really want, I know in reality what I’m actually going to get.
Want: Kylie Jenner Hair Extensions
Will Get: Fed up after being unable to make an appointment with my stylist, I purchase a box of Garnier from Target and pretty much fuck up my hair trying to go back to red.
Want: To play Truth or Drink with my ex.
Will Get: Not even a “Happy Birthday” text. *wah wah*
Want: This necklace.
Will Get: A knock off version that turns my skin green.
Want: A new pair of combat boots.
Will Get: A hole in the pair I already wear almost every day because I say I’m going to buy new ones but really end up using the money for drinks and Postmate-ing burritos at 11 p.m.
Want: A French Bulldog puppy.
Will Get: Smacked in the face by the dog I already have (who is more of an only child than me and would instantly devour any puppy I attempted to bring into the home) while she hogs the entire bed while sleeping. It’s cute until she scratches me in across the eye in the middle of a dream run and I end up looking like Scar from The Lion King.
Want: A maid service.
Will Get: All of the responsibility of cleaning up after my own birthday party because I live alone.
Want: For my neighbors to stop having really rhythmic, all though admittedly impressive because it is ALWAYS the same speed rhythmic sex above me at 6 p.m.
Will Get: Zero change. With my luck, they start listening to the new Miley album while they do it.
Want: A new tattoo.
Will Get: The same, stupid questions about the ones I already have.
Want: A hands-free Segway.
Will Get: A huge ER bill when I try it out and fall due to being ridiculously uncoordinated and (most likely) wasted off of G&Ts. Also because this is the year I lose my health insurance that ER visit is going to be a real treat. Buh-bye no copay. You will be missed.
Want: A plus one to my birthday party.
Will Get: Wasted, inevitably end up crying to my best friend about how I’m going to die alone, while she pushes me into an Uber only to go back to the party to continue hitting on whatever 6’4″ tomcat she found, and alone in bed with Whataburger while Tweeting Michelle Branch lyrics at 1:45 a.m. .