Things Girls Think Guys Don’t Care About (But Actually Do)

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There are stereotypes about men and women for days. Hundreds of hack comedians have made their entire careers out of talking about them, so I don’t really feel the need to play around in that particular mud pit. Instead, I’m going to bust some stereotypes wide open. The following are some examples of things that are either considered to be female concerns or just stuff that guys don’t even take the time to think about. Well, I’ve got a surprise for all the women out there: we do. A lot.

1. How Long It Takes To Get A Text Response

There’s a pretty common mental image of a girl sitting on the couch with her friends, continually picking up her phone to see if a guy has texted her. Sometimes, she even unlocks her phone and goes to her messages just in case she missed the alert and his poor message is sitting there, sad and unread. It’s hilarious. There’s an entire genre of movies that play on this idea of female neuroticism. Hell, I could probably make a vault-load of cash for writing “50 Shades of Dismay: A Neurotic Novel.” But the real reason I would be able to make that story believable from a female perspective is because I’m guilty of every neurotic insecurity that’s assumed of women. I’ve slavishly stared at my phone, inside an iMessage conversation, trying to get my fix of seeing those glorious three dots that pop up when a person starts responding, like some kind of pathetic, emotional junkie. And I’ve experienced the gut-wrenching, bottoming out feeling of seeing those dots go away, and never receiving a response. I know for a fact that my roommates and good friends are with me on this one. Maybe my group is just filled with emotional pussies, or, more likely, most guys are putting up a front about how much they care about texting.

On the other side of this is the idea of “bad texters.” It’s been asserted on this site that this type of person doesn’t exist, an opinion I tend to agree with. Sure, I’ve been responsible for seeing a text from someone and forgetting to respond, but not once with a girl that I was interested in. I’ll intentionally wait five to 10 minutes to respond sometimes, depending on the context of the conversation, just so she won’t perceive me as needy or desperate. But I will never, ever, in any case whatsoever, see a text from a girl I really have a thing for and somehow forget to respond. But I don’t think this is male exclusive. The phenomenon of “bad texters” has less to do with gender than it does with power dynamics. The cold truth is that the person who cares less has the most power in any sort of relationship. So it could be the guy or the girl, but ultimately, if his or her poor memory or phone checking habits prevent him or her from texting you back, that person is not particularly invested in you as a romantic attachment–or “just not that into you,” if that’s the vernacular you prefer.

2. The Number Of Calories In Our Food

There’s another mental image out there, this time on the male side, of a bunch of dudes sitting around a table, eating every type of meat, carb, and sugar on the face of the planet. They grin like idiots, because it doesn’t have any effect on their bodies. Meanwhile, the poor girls are eating their cantaloupe slices in the corner and crying on the inside. I think this is a result of high school and college memories clouding current perception. When I was in high school, yeah, I ate everything I wanted to without concern. Hell, I held the record for slices of CiCi’s pizza eaten in one sitting–34, crusts uneaten for counting purposes–for a solid month and a half before my buddy Watkins took the championship belt back with an astounding 45-slice performance. Why did I do this? Because I played sports and had a decent metabolism. Then I went to college, drank all the beer, ate barbecue three times a week, and quit playing organized sports with the exception of pickup basketball–in which I reverted to sniping from the three point line, and cheating on defense. So I gained a pretty hefty amount of weight. And you know who else did? Most guys my age.

Now, I try to pay attention to what I eat. Here’s a difference I have noticed, though. Girls will obsess over their diets. They’ll use tupperware bowls with segmented sections, each holding some sad item like three cherry tomatoes or half a grapefruit. They’ll stare hungrily at us while we eat tacos on the weekend, with jealous anger in their eyes. The difference is that during the week, guys who actually give a shit about their bodies eat salads, tuna fish, and drink protein shakes. My actor roommate has a body like a Hemsworth brother (and he’ll murder me for that comparison). Is it because of his superior male metabolism? Fuck no, he lives on a diet of cold beans, coffee, and cigarettes on weekdays, and lifts every day. It doesn’t kill him psychologically, because he’ll eat shitty Chinese takeout and Carl’s Jr. on the weekends. Girls, on the other hand, eat dainty little meals in public, go for a light jog after work, and then reward themselves with a little candy and some wine, effectively erasing everything they did earlier in the day.

Guys don’t eat like Neanderthals, we just eat efficiently. We’re absolutely paying attention to how we eat, we just don’t focus on nonsense like gluten, organic food, and whole grains. If we want to lose weight, we eat less food. And we lift heavy things.

3. Foreplay

“Guys don’t care about foreplay. They just want to get straight to the humping.”

It’s classic. It’s also baffling to me. The funny thing is that I think this is actually a combination of the two above problems. Girls are basing a lot of this on high school and college memories, because all of us were fornicating a lot more back then. Young guys often suck at foreplay, or skip it altogether because they simply don’t know how important it is–or even simpler, they don’t know how to do it. They’re inexperienced, so they default to what they know: sex. It isn’t until later that they’ll realize that the warm-up is often much, much more important than the game.

You know who enjoys going down on women? Me and every guy I know. Sometimes we even enjoy it more than the other stuff. Look, I’ll grant that there are idiots out there who don’t care if a woman ends up in Orlando at the end of her train ride from Pound Town. That’s the second part of the equation, the idea of “low investment.” If the guy isn’t making an effort, it’s not that he’s deficient or dumb. He just doesn’t give a shit. I happen to be of the opinion that women who consistently date guys who “don’t like” foreplay don’t have bad luck, they just have terrible taste in men. It’s like the old saying, “if someone is an asshole to you in the morning, he’s an asshole. If people are assholes to you all day, you’re the asshole.”

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