Things People Say They Want To Do That Never Happen


Human beings are fantastic at making plans. To even go back and think on the various things that I’ve “decided” to do when out drinking with friends and acquaintances is a mindblowingly silly exercise. What’s even more hilarious about it is how serious we are about our idea in the moment. However, it’s often about something that requires an extraordinary amount of hard work and talent. The trappings make it attractive, but the reality is much more difficult, which is why all of these things I’m about to describe ultimately die on the vine 98 percent of the time.

1. Open A Bar

I’m telling you off the top that we’re totally doing this. Someday, when we have the resources, four of my buddies and I have a fully developed idea for a bar, and it’s going to take this city by storm. You ready?

It’s called Sir Osis (say it out loud and you’ll get it). Out front, there’s a courtyard with a fountain. The statue in the fountain is a knight, down on one knee, vomiting water into his helmet, which he’s holding in his hands. Inside, it’s all wood. Behind the bar, we serve two things: beer and whiskey. The beer tap has no label, and anyone who asks what kind it is gets thrown out. At random points throughout the night, church bells will begin ringing, and a man fully clad in medieval armor will walk out. At this point, everyone is obligated to hold out his or her metal mug in tribute. The knight will walk around and suddenly slam someone’s mug to the ground, spilling that person’s drink everywhere. This sign will mean that this person has been selected to receive free drinks for the rest of the night. Above the fray, on a balcony, we’ll have a VIP area which consists of a long, wooden table covered in booze and rotisserie chickens, where we and any women we choose sit and look out at the masses.

Sir Osis is totally going to happen, and if you steal the idea, I’ll send our knight to murder you with a sword.

2. Go Camping

I get it, you’ve gone camping with your buddies before. In my experience, as fun as camping can be, it’s never good enough for the amount of effort that it requires. You have to plan weeks in advance, find a camping ground, buy the supplies (which always cost way more than you expect), drive however many hours, and then ultimately just sit around, drink, and talk about the same shit you would if you’d just stayed home. The idea usually comes from two drunk dudes reminiscing poorly about camping trips they’ve been on in the past and deciding definitively that they’re going to do one soon. Just like everything else on this list, they never do.

3. Start A Band

Anyone with a shred of musical ability has been attempting, with varying levels of success, to start a band since he or she was 14. All the way through high school, I was in a band called The Utopian Inferno. We were awesome, everyone loved us, and we never played a single show together. Seriously, we coasted just on making jokes about song titles and album covers, and our friends would enjoy the charade that we were ever going to actually do anything. Cut to college. There are other guys in your dorms who listen to the same music as you, and you recruit the one dude who lives off campus and has a drum set. Maybe you get a few rehearsals in, maybe you even make it to a Battle of the Bands, but you probably never cut a record or print a single T-shirt. At this point, are you actually going to do it? The groupies are waiting, man. Put two opposing words together as a band name and make it happen. Or don’t.

4. Keep In Touch With College Friends

You guys ready to take the first train to Bummerville? Everyone told us that we’d forge the greatest friendships of our lives in college, and they were totally right. The guys I live with now have been my best friends since sophomore year, but there are a lot of people who just inevitably fall by the wayside as the years go on. For the first couple years out of school, we were always good about texting or emailing news and we’d see each other at weddings and the like. But now, especially now that many of us are becoming more and more far flung across the country, we’ve stopped talking. Some of the guys who were there for me in the worst moments of my life, and the most exciting nights, I may never speak to again. We all said we’d keep the brotherhood going, but sometimes brotherhood slips away anyway.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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