They’re Selling A Water Specifically For Brewing Coffee With Because Yuppies Will Buy Anything

They're Selling A Water Specifically For Brewing Coffee With Because Yuppies Will Buy Anything

You can go to any vegan or paleo coffee shop and get your bank account cleaned out by way of a 16-ounce bulletproof coffee or matcha tea. You can order cookie dough as a dessert at a restaurant because spending eight dollars on uncooked mix is a thing that you can do now. You can also go to Whole Foods and spend $14.50 on the salad bar when it’s almost just as much to buy the same produce on the other side of the store that will provide you with at least three servings instead of one. The yuppie food market is a business, and business is a boomin’.

And now there’s this.

Yes, water that is being sold on the free market that has no other use but for being used to brew coffee. The coffee is described just as you’d expect it to be described – pretentiously.

A purified H2O fortified with “selected essential minerals” to help extract natural oils from those high-dollar Gesha and Bourbon varietals.

If there’s one thing that my life has been missing, it’s a purified water that pairs well with the Gesha and Bourbon varietal coffees that I’ve been brewing at home for myself. Every single goddamn day when I’d pour myself a cup of joe in my kitchen, I’d curse the gods and scream into the sky: “Why is there so much zinc, lead, fluoride, and chlorine in my water? It’s spoiling my coffee experience!” But now? My prayers have been answered because I can buy a liter of this water for just $25.68.

And the kicker? Hold onto your butts because this might shock you – you can drink this water without actually brewing coffee with it. Yes, water you can drink. The water’s creators noted that “they can’t think of a reason why people couldn’t also just drink Aquiem ‘as water.'”

Well, yeah, guys. That’s because it’s just fucking water.

[via Grub Street]

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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