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The time came four months ago for JR to get off the unemployment line and return as a fully grown, half-functioning member to society. My new job is at a large tech company with an office in downtown San Francisco. I have a view of the Bay Bridge from my window, I sit on one of those inflatable discs to alleviate my low back pain and once a week I get a free lunch. It’s nice.
However, I made the egregious error of forgetting to introduce myself to somebody my first week in the office. I made sure to get a few minutes of face time with everybody in his row, but somehow I must have missed him. I think he was on PTO that week or something, but needless to say I find myself in somewhat of a predicament. Because now the window has closed. Now we’re stuck in this awkward limbo that when we walk past each other, whether it’s to the kitchen, men’s room or conference rooms, we stare right through each other like we’re ghosts.
I’m terrified to even give him the obligatory male “head nod” as my fear of being outed paralyzes me. What if I give him the head nod and he screams “Hey don’t nod your head at me, you don’t KNOW me!” and marches straight to HR with a harassment complaint? I can’t lose this job; I have a wedding coming up. My boss sits directly next to him too, so I’ve stood within six inches of this guy on multiple occasions and I still have to pretend he’s as real to me as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
The worst part is that we know each other’s names. The company has a large international presence, so to help out of town visitors the office assistant hung name tags over our desks. So not only have I never said a word to this guy, I had to Google his name to find out what I could about him. He seems like a decent person judging by his Facebook profile. Got a wife and kid and lives out in the suburbs.
I think the best course of action would be to stage an accidental “run-in” outside of work. Doesn’t “Hey, don’t we work together?” in say, a grocery store sound less awkward than introducing myself to someone I’ve shared an office space with in that office space? Truthfully, I’m not afraid of his reaction – I’m afraid of the second hand embarrassment my coworkers will feel on my behalf.
There is one problem. I’m not sure what his schedule is. That’s why I’m following him home right now in the hopes that he stops somewhere I can casually make a guest appearance. I really just want to put all this awkwardness behind us in hopes of kicking off a successful office friendship. I hope he doesn’t have any issues recognizing me in the dark – it is getting colder this time of year in the Bay, and I have on a heavier jacket.
He doesn’t seem to be making any stop offs before home. I’ll just wait outside his house for when he takes out his trash later. This is one of those things we’ll both laugh about in a few weeks at the next office happy hour. Oh good, he takes the cans to the curb right when he gets home. This shouldn’t take too long. I’ll just walk up behind him and tap him casually on the shoulder…man it’s icy out…
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Oh my God…
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Guys it happened again..
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
So glad everyone where I work has to wear name tags. Honestly, I’d just casually walk by his desk one morning and let him know you’re on your way to grab a coffee from the breakroom and ask if he wants one. Or you could be honest and say that you feel bad you never officially met and introduce yourself. I’m 6 months into my job and it happens. But if you play it off cool, it’ll be behind you before you know it. Congrats on the new job!
A fun game is to call everyone “Steve” even if it’s a woman. And then when they get confused and ask what you are talking about, just vehemently deny ever calling them Steve and say you have no idea what they are talking about
As a girl, I enjoy introducing myself as Brandon to people I don’t want to be talking to. The struggle with “is she kidding? If I laugh, I risk offending her. If I don’t laugh, I risk looking like a fool” …always fun.
If they laugh, the pain train is coming
If you give him the head nod it has to be the downward head nod, protect your neck. Upward head nod is only for people you know and trust not to bite your neck.
JR, when you hyperlink your previous articles, there always seems to be a double quotation mark at the end, causing them to be dead-links.
Any way to remediate this would be great, thanks.
Let’s touch base after your next article and assess the situation.
Youngcloser, hope this note finds you well! The situation has been remedied. Thank you for bringing to our attention and apologies on our end. Enjoy the rest of your day and looking forward to connecting again soon!
This makes me greatful to work in a field where everyone’s name is on their hardhat…without that there are a lot of “hey buddy” “thanks boss” “you on the roof!”
That only helps if you can pronounce there name. I never guess right with the guys from Myanmar, I usually just end up saying Chang half the time they respond to that.
different group here in GA
This is my life. Goes back to my “no new friends” problem. I briefly interact with so many people on a daily basis that I should be friends with, or at least know their name. But after 5-6 months of small talk with no introduction, it’s too late now. Unless anyone has advice on how to introduce yourself 5 after “meeting” someone?
“Hey, don’t think I’ve met you yet. I’m JR” quit being a puss
What the fuck… Eastside West closed last night