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It’s big-ass tv buying season, y’all. Let these hot deals wash over you like a Turkish bath. Black Friday and Cyber Monday are ready to unsheath their throbbing deals and penetrate your EOY budgetary surplus, ever so tenderly.
There is nothing more satisfying than walking into a Best Buy, a Fry’s Home Electronics, a Target or any other big box retailer store with a fat stack of bills/debit card with a healthy balance, ready to stuff a 60-inch 120hz 4K smart TV into a shopping cart that can barely hold it. Stroll up to the cashier looking like a Big Baller™ and be the envy of the entire store. That’s center stage. Nice wi-fi extender you got there, sir. Do you mind making some room so I can get this behemoth of a Samsung to the next register? Thanks.
Ain’t nothing better than swiping the card on a hot TV deal. I don’t care that I’m more than likely gonna lose this unnecessarily small master remote in less than 90 days. It’s big ass tv buying season.
Sidebar: What happened to gigantic remotes? I can guarantee you that your parents still have at least one old remote from that 300-pound Toshiba tube TV back in the day. Those remotes were built like brick shit houses and you couldn’t lose that thing in a hurricane during midnight blindfolded. Thanks a lot, Tim Cook. Stupid dick. Billion dollar idea, Tim. Make a goddamn remote that doesn’t get lost underneath a Wheat Thin. Did I just blow your mind?
I’m always gonna be an in-store purchaser of TVs. No way will I ever buy a television online. That’s my promise to you. First off, that shit’s getting stolen right off your front steps while you’re at work or it’s gonna get absolutely shattered in the back of some UPS truck during the holidays. Let’s keep brick and mortar alive for as long as we can.
Walking into a TV section at a store is how I felt the first time I walked into a casino. Just completely overwhelmed and hyperstimulated, ready to set all of my money on fire. You’re getting hit from all sides. Total ambush. What’s this? QLED? Didn’t even realize we went straight from OLED to QLED. Guess P just doesn’t even matter anymore in the hierarchy of resolution. Do I need a $400 Bose high soundbar to go along with this thing? You’re goddamn right I do. Did you hear how awesome Charlie Puth sounded when I hit the little demo button? This thing goes!
Oh God, there’s blood in the water. What else do I want along with this big ass TV? XBox One, Apple TV? Why not. Fuck me up.
Bringing the brand new big ass TV home is probably about as close as you can get to bringing home your first born baby. I’m going to take such good care of you. Don’t worry. It’s just us now, buddy. I’m going 10 MPH under the speed limit all the way home. Nothing is going to hurt my baby. Yeah, I’m talking about the big ass TV, not an actual baby.
I swear they put some sort of stimulant inside these TV packing boxes too. Opening a fresh TV stuffed into a box full of Styrofoam and that super soft covering material is like prancing into a field full of daisies. Pure ecstasy. Delicious. Give me more.
The true climax of this blessed event is when that bad boy is mounted on a sturdy wall stud or perched atop a TV stand, the updates are running and you start to peel off the tape around the screen. Oh…my…GOD. Straight up tantric sex. Val Venis Titantron. My goodness. What a special moment.
I am a consumer piece of trash, and I am damn proud of it. Go buy a TV this holiday season. Doesn’t even have to be all that big. Go buy a kitchen TV. Pick up a nice 28-incher for the bathroom. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. .