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I’m not going to lie, I don’t have a ton of girlfriends. I’m not one of those girls who pulls the whole, “I don’t hang out with girls because they’re bitches” card because in my experience, those girls are the bitches. I just have always surrounded myself with a couple of close girl friends, a gaggle of gay men, and then my best guy friends. That’s the way this cookie has crumbled.
More and more though I’ve been spending some time around girls who are in relationships, or attempting to be, and I’m just so fascinated and also confused. Why do you feel the need to give someone a pet name? Just call them by their name, I dunno. Why are there designated couples nights? That makes those of us sans-couple feel like lone little lepers, just FYI. And he’s not texting you back because he doesn’t want to, duh. So stop overanalyzing and go eat something.
But the number one thing so many girls do, relationship-wise, that I am simultaneously baffled and embarrassed by, is when they try and force the mythical creature that is: “The One.”
Seriously. Is it because we all grew up in the Disney Renaissance that we are so obsessed with the idea of soulmates? When Belle sang in that awesome pink cape about The Beast changing into someone (Someone? Something? Is that how you refer to basic beastiality?) she could picture herself with, were we all just ruined for the rest of our lives to think that there’s one PERFECT person, or minotaur-hybrid, for everyone?
What is the obsession with “The One?” I used to think it was just a blanket statement that girls make but don’t actually mean, like “literally” or “basically vegan.” But then I started hearing my friends say things like, “He took me out for brunch after just two weeks so I think that means he’s the one.” Or, “We’re getting really excited for the holidays that are coming up,” and you’d think they’ve meshed into one, two-headed being that’s really stoked about ABC Family marathons of The Grinch and wearing his and her sweaters from The Gap. Suddenly, it wasn’t just an exaggeration, it was very clearly a goal.
Somewhere along the line, finding your “one” became something to strive for, a box to check off. And I don’t really know why.
Maybe it was growing up with our faces pressed to the TV screen watching Ariel fall for Prince Eric, maybe it’s the whispers of our last fuckable day approaching, or maybe it’s something as simple as not wanting to have to go to the final Hunger Games stag. But whatever the reason that we’re clawing to get that person to be believably “The One” may be, we owe them a favor and need to just knock it the hell off.
I’m not even totally sure what “The One” is supposed to be, to be quite honest. Sure, I’ve heard of soulmates. I’m a white lady with access to Nicholas Sparks, come on. But is the idea of one person out there for us really that romantic? And really, if you sit down and take off your rom-com rose-tinted glasses, is it even realistic?
I’m all for falling in love, don’t get me wrong. Been there, it was awesome. But what I’m not for is putting unrealistic, idealistic expectations onto another person because you were so busy getting wrapped up in an idea based around beautifully calligraphy written quotes about love that you forgot the other person was just that: a person. They are not an idea, they are a human being. And human beings aren’t perfect. They can’t be expected to always know what you’re thinking, or predict what you want for your birthday, or be able to provide you with everything you need physically and emotionally 100 percent of the time. They aren’t going to run around an animated library with you to an Alan Menken score, and they aren’t going to build you a house or write you a letter every day because they have jobs and lives.
Face it: “The One” isn’t real life.
What is real life is finding a partner. And a partner, is not something you have to force. A partner is not something you project a fantasy on; it is someone you appreciate because you are lucky enough to have them. “The One” is for little girls to dream about so they don’t grow up cynical, they grow up with hope. A partner is for grow ups who have bills to pay but would still like a high five and and an ass grab after they press “send” on said internet and cable payment.
So ladies, take a chill pill. Stop trying to make “The One” happen and just focus on meeting real people and making real connections. Yeah, we all fell for the perfectly proportioned Disney princes of the nineties, but let’s face it, we wouldn’t want to end up with someone like them anyway.
I mean come on, do you really think any of them went down on the princesses? …That’s what I thought. .
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