There Is Such A Thing As A Poop Bank, And They Will Pay You Money To Poop

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Every broke college student on the brink of not being able to afford booze for the weekend has at some point probably donated some sort of bodily fluid in exchange for cash, be it blood, plasma, or baby gravy. You’d think that’s about all that’s available, I know I did, but it turns out there’s a revolutionary new place that will pay you…to take a dump.

OpenBiome is located in Massachusetts, and is the only independent stool bank in the United States. The bank is responsible for providing fecal samples to hospitals for the purpose of “fecal microbiota transplantation,” which I can only assume is putting other people’s shit up the asses of butt patients. I don’t care if that’s not at all what it is, that’s what I’m choosing to believe. Apparently, it has to do with killing some sort of specific bacteria, but who gives a shit?

Well, you do. If you want 40 bucks, that is. After passing a medical screening, you then get scheduled to visit the facility every day, and you walk out with $40 every time you go. If it seems too good to be true, just wait, it gets even better. They’ve turned the whole experience into a competition with the prize being official titles like, “Vladimir Pootin, King of Poop, and Winnie the Poo—to those donors with the most samples.” It’s…I mean, it’s amazing.

I’m honestly speechless. This is easily my favorite news story I’ve ever covered, and the fact that this facility is the only one of its kind and is across the country from me is just crushing my soul.


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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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