The Yelp Reviews For This Brooklyn Artisanal Mayonnaise Store Are Everything I Wanted Them To Be

The Yelp Reviews For This Brooklyn Artisanal Mayonnaise Store Are Everything I Wanted Them To Be

It’s kind of weird that my Lena Dunham column making fun of try-hard hipsters hasn’t gone viral yet. But it’s fine, because I’m just now getting over it. Luckily, there are gems like this out there that are just as much fun to make fun of.

Empire Mayonnaise, a Brooklyn shop that sells “Artisanal mayonnaise made in small batches” has a Yelp page filled with reviews that could either be tongue-in-cheek, serious, or just so ironic that I think they’re either serious or joking (but I just can’t tell).

Trevor L., a Brooklyn resident, commented:

As far as artisanal Mayonnaise stores go; this is THE best. As per the 5 stars. Sure, it’s the only Mayo store I’ve ever heard of, but it was a wonderful experience none the less.

First off – it’s not a packaged grocery store or a restaurant. It is a production facility that happens to have a small store front.

I walked in to see basically just a small desk and a friendly lady standing by. Soon enough I was partaking in a Mayonnaise sampler session. She was so friendly! She brought out all the flavors and explained how the flavors were infused with the mayo ingredients and described everything perfectly.

Honestly, I’m not a big Mayonnaise fan; but this shits dank. I ended up buying Roasted Garlic, Bacon, Truffle, and Srircha. I was also expecting to pay more. I got one of their package deals and ended up paying ~$7 a bottle. I’m very excited to use these with food I make.

Bottom line is, I can’t say I eat a lot of mayo, but this will be my spot for all my may needs.

“This shits dank” is how I’d hoped someone would describe an artisanal mayonnaise store.

Trenton, New Jersey’s own Josh M. wasn’t as impressed as Trevor L., though.

Walked in and becky greeted me.

I noticed that the place doesn’t have much space, since it only requires you to sell like 2 of your small ass bottles to pay for the expensive ass land you must be occupying.

The mayonnaise? oh. It Tastes like gentrification.

Maybe sara and tim will like it better.

I’m going to steal the phrase that something “tastes like gentrification” for my next Things Girls Do After Graduation column.

Brooklyn’s Sophie B. also wasn’t as impressed.

Who the hell flavor mayo oh yea people that don’t know how to season food. Place is very small.

This is white nonsense

Mitch E., an elite Yelp reviewer that probably brags about his elite status at parties, fucking loved it. I think.

Have you ever stopped and said to yourself? “I need an absurd type of mayonnaise?”

Probably not, however if you ever did Empire Mayonnaise would be the spot to hit up.

It’s definitely a unique idea, whole store dedicated to mayonnaise. And I LOVE mayonnaise.

I have tried two versions of their mayonnaise. Paprika mayo and truffle mayo. Both delicious. Despite the fact they are real good, I don’t know if this is worth getting unless you’re making a specialty dish or a great chef who could implement their mayonnaise some way. And if you were, you’d probably know how to do it yourself.

At around $8-10 a pop for a real small jar, it doesn’t add up for someone who just likes to lather their sandwich up with mayo and proceed to make love to it. Then cover themselves in mayonnaise. It gets expensive and I smelled like truffles for days.

The staff there are super friendly and cool. They were real helpful.

In the end, I’d say it’s something cool to check out. I’d recommend it if you’re going to try something fancy. Though for a generic sandwich you don’t need this mayo.

I’ll be back when I want to get crazy in the kitchen.

Get crazy in the kitchen, Mitch E. Be the wild man that everyone knows you can be.

I was going to go home tonight and make myself a nice BLT lathered in peasant mayo, but I’ve suddenly lost my appetite. This sucks.

Image via Yelp

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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