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The insanity of March Madness comes to a filthy climax tonight. Maybe you noticed Twitter going apeshit over upset after upset. Anyone can get a tad obnoxious during the Madness, rubbing in a loss (Suck it Texas fans) or announcing that you picked Syracuse’s ridiculous tourney run with a lucky coin. Some are worse than others, though, and here are the worst of the worst.
“Hey look at my bracket!” Guy
Newsflash: unless you have a perfect bracket after round one, no one gives a fuck about your bracket. It’s the same with fantasy teams or having children; my focus is exclusively on mine, hearing about yours is something I don’t need in my life. A bracket convo should go like this:
“How’s your bracket?”
“Garbage. Yours?”
“It’s ok.”
I don’t care if you’re one Oklahoma victory away from winning your pool, nothing’s worse than the person going around telling everyone they see that they picked the Little Rock & Stephen F. Austin upsets and going into detail about why. Save it. Tiger Woods fist pump in your living room by yourself, but no one wants to hear it.
The Whiner
Listen, we all go into this expecting to lose. If you don’t you’re an idiot. I’d guess that 90% of people who fill out brackets watch maybe a handful of CBB games each year, and then via combined guesswork and Jay Bilas tweets, they try to pick a winner.
Taking into account all of that, don’t turn around and bitch uncontrollably when your champion gets knocked out by Middle Tennessee State in the first round (Pour one out for PGP contributor JohnnyD). You can name maybe one player on the team, the head coach, and the QB of the football team. No one wants to hear about MSU or Baylor screwing you over. Your MSU loss was just as much complete unluckiness as your Syracuse picks were complete bullshit luck.
The No-Bracket Snob
“Oh, I didn’t even bother filling out a bracket, decided to not waste my money.”
Good for you champ; you’re a smarter person than I. That’s the only time you should hear from this clown the entire tourney. But nope, every time you’re gathered around watching yet another upset you didn’t pick, here comes fuckstick No-Bracket McGraw out of nowhere with a, “Wow, sooo glad I didn’t fill one out this year #blessed.”
We get it, bro. Congrats on your self-restraint. Guess you don’t like gambling or joining in on the fun. Excitement isn’t your thing. I may be watching these games in agony, but I’d rather be gambling and in agony than not gambling at all.
The Winner
To hell with this person. Unless it’s Jay Bilas, Jay Williams, or that friend who watches CBB like their life depends on it, screw em. They didn’t have a damn bit more insight than you did, they just got lucky. And now thanks to a ten minute sit-down of blindly picking basketball games they now get to go spend your hard-earned money on whatever they want.
My freshman year of college the National Championship game decided who our pot would go to. What makes it even worse is we knew exactly what the money would go to. For one potential winner, it’d go towards long distance trips to visit his girlfriend (future wife). For the other, nothing but cigarettes and weed.
Yeah, guess which asshole won. It’s always the worst.
Me
I’m the worst thing about March Madness. I dabbled in the occasional CBB game but sat through maybe one in its entirety all year. Come March though? I’m blowing up your tweets and texts complaining my ass off when my picks lose. I’m bragging about Little Rock winning me big on a parlay, then crying like spanked six-year-old when I lose the winnings the next day.
I was a UVA win over a 10 seed ‘Cuse to wrapping up one of my brackets. It was the true awful showing of my March Madness self. Had they pulled out their almost guaranteed win I was ready to send out, “Suck a dick you loser” texts to my entire bracket. Instead, I just sent out, “I hate basketball.” Either way I’m awful.
Each year I end March saying, “I’m never filling out a bracket again.” If I were my friends I would lose my number, delete my Snapchat, and unfollow me on Twitter for the entire month. Like a boil on your ass you’ll know when I’m angry and throbbing. Just look at this shit:
Can't believe I forgot about the most important rule in sports: Never Trust Baylor with Anything
— Kyle Bandujo (@kylebandit13) March 17, 2016
I've now reached the point of the tourney where thinking about my bracket makes me violently puke everywhere.
— Kyle Bandujo (@kylebandit13) March 19, 2016
Not even through the round of 32 when those went out. Good God, I suck. .
Image via source goes here
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
You forgot the guy whose school has been a massive disappointment the last five years but playing for the championship tonight, and has posted about nothing else on Facebook the past few weeks. It’s okay, I hate myself too. Go Nova.
At least you own up to it
Tonight is Arch’s night, they’ll be rioting on Lancaster in 10 hours. Go cats
You called it. #nationalchampions
Its alright Crash Baseball is here now
“fuckstick No-Bracket McGraw” crying
As a Baylor grad I 100% agree with your number one rule.