The Worst Kinds Of Neighbors You Will Have


The worst thing about living in a condominium or an apartment is that you have to live in close proximity to other human beings. You likely share a building with at least 50 other people, and based on the laws of nature, most of them suck. I try to keep on good terms with my neighbors because that’s how I was raised, but hell, there are some neighbors who will just drive you insane.

Neighbors Who Use Stupid Names For Their Wi-Fi Network

There’s nothing quite like setting up your wireless network and realizing you have a couple of jokesters in your building. Most of these schmucks are painfully unoriginal and probably giggle like 14-year-old girls when they name their wireless network things like “FBI surveillance van,” “NSA,” “God,” or “Big Brother.” Oh, you mean “NSA” like the government agency that was caught spying on us? And the wireless network is nearby? Oh, what a clever joke. Who brought the funny guy? News flash: no one thinks you’re funny or cute.

Neighbors Who Blast Their Speakers On Weeknights

The only thing worse than a neighbor who blasts his movies and video games through his speaker system is the neighbor who does it on a weeknight. There you are, giving yourself an earlier bedtime than when you were a kid so you can get up early for work, and suddenly, your ceiling starts vibrating to the sound of explosions and machine gun fire. Fuck. You have all of your clothes off, and you’re not in the mood to go upstairs and tell your neighbor to turn that shit down, but how the hell are you going to get to sleep when your bedroom sounds like the fire bombing of Dresden? If I wanted to deal with explosions and gunfire at night, I’d move to Fallujah. Eventually, you’ll either have to put your foot down and say something or trash the guy’s Xbox, because he’s not going to cut that shit out on his own.

The Creepy, Middle-Aged, Alcoholic Neighbor

Now, I’m no fun-sucker by any means. I support excessive alcohol intake on principle. However, you have to draw the line somewhere. When you are older than 35 and get home on a weeknight so blitzed that you can’t work your keycard, which causes you to scream in frustration, it’s time to get help. Walking around the complex reeking of beer and giving the eye to any member of the opposite sex doesn’t help your case, either, and pimping out your daughter to your neighbors? Please, get help.

The Chronic Complainer

The chronic complainer is always looking for something about you to bitch about. Whether you have a few friends over or are playing music at any volume louder than mute, you hear that telltale knock on your door and you know you have to face the chronic complainer, who’s once again asking you to stop enjoying your life and home. This neighbor will likely report you to the management office several times, and he or she may even call the cops on you once or twice. You’ll get so used to it that you’ll start using the management office’s “warnings” as toilet paper since you aren’t breaking any rules anyway. Fuck the chronic complainer.

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