The Worst (And Best) Parts Of This Week’s Insufferable New York Times Marriage Announcement

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The Worst (And Best) Parts Of This Week's Insufferable New York Times Marriage Announcement

Because transparency is key, I’ll say this: not every single New York Times marriage announcement is “insufferable.” They do their absolute best to make each and every single one of them as hateable as they can, but sometimes the couples just aren’t… well, you know, the worst.

Take today’s couple, Elizabeth and Daniel, for example. Based completely on looks alone, this is the type of guy I could see myself throwing back a couple bourbons with at a wedding reception only to say, “Man, that Daniel guy was pretty cool,” the next morning when I’m nursing my hangover in a hotel room. Hell, they even met at a fundraiser for an animal shelter in Beverly Hills. While I think half the people at said fundraiser were only there for the social aspects of it, I don’t even care as long as that shelter was benefiting from the Instagram opportunity.

But this wasn’t all rescue dogs and kisses, guys. They did, in fact, have some insufferabilities that you can’t just skim over. Per The New York Times:

“Men and women in the entertainment business in Los Angeles go through a kind of Peter Pan syndrome, where it becomes really hard to grow up because you can’t afford to,” said Mr. Weisman, 34, who was born and raised in the city and is a manager representing artists at Roc Nation, the music company Jay-Z founded in 2008.

I need to see this guy’s client list. At first glance, you wouldn’t expect this loafer-jean-button down wearing dude to know the ins and outs of the rap industry, but when ball is life and you’re wheelin’ n’ dealin’ in Beverly Hills? Well, everything’s on the table.

“All the women I had been meeting in Los Angeles came with a lot of flash but no substance, and after a while, they all started to look and sound like the same person to me,” he said.

As someone who has zero desire to visit Los Angeles again for the rest of his life, this is how I envision anyone who lives in LA. The only person I want to hang out with in Los Angeles is Hank Moody, and he’s not even a real person. I mean, fuck, he even hates LA and he spent years there slinging it around.

Two weeks later, he invited her to the fund-raising event, which was held at Two Rodeo, a shopping mall on Rodeo Drive. Though the Amanda Foundation event was intended to aid animals, it did little to assist Mr. Weisman’s chances with Ms. Zuckerman.

Is this what rich people do? Just hold fundraisers every weekend? If so, I’m in. If I can better the lives of rescue dogs by setting up an open bar, I’m all in on being rich.

“I saw Dan in the distance; he was super-tall and handsome and wearing a letterman jacket,” Ms. Zuckerman said. “The whole thing was really very awkward, but we approached each other and shared a hug. I had butterflies in my stomach like you wouldn’t believe.”

Danny Boy was wearing a… letterman jacket? To a fundraiser? Alright, maybe we need to give this dude a chance. That’s a Matt Saracen first date move if I’ve ever seen one.

“I led the way through the event with Dan at my heels and could not get a good look at him,” Ms. Zuckerman said. “All I could tell was that he was very tall, with a Mr. Incredible physique.”

Hell yeah, Dan. All those hours in the gym are paying dividends. Shed that jacket though, bro, you don’t do curls on the regular just to hide them under leather sleeves and felt.

She laughed hardest when he told her that he was the inventor of sanitary wipes for men, but it turned out to be true, as did every other entrepreneurial endeavor Mr. Weisman laid claim to, including the fact that he once owned his own line of men’s shoes.

Ummmmmm, what?! Dan invented sanitary wipes for men and owns his own men’s shoe line? If that doesn’t have “deal closer” written all over it, I don’t know what does. Now I don’t just want to drink with him at a wedding reception –– I need to drink with him at a wedding reception.

Dan’s sister even weighed in on Elizabeth’s Tinder profile, which his bizarre to me for two reasons: first, I thought these two met at a fundraiser, and secondly, why was Danimal’s sister looking at her Tinder profile in the first place? Need screenshots if anyone out there has run across her.

“In Lizzie’s Tinder photo she was wearing a belt,” Ms. Weisman said. “In L.A., where everyone is trying really hard to look like they are not trying, she just seemed so put together and refined. It said something about how she wanted to present herself to the world.”

I know I’m a generic white dude with only a slight bit of girl brain, but what does having a belt on have to do with anything? If wearing a belt makes me look “put together and refined,” then consider me James fucking Bond with a side of Steve McQueen.

He told her that his mother had starred on the CBS prime time soap opera “Knots Landing” for almost a decade, and that his father, who had won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Emmy, directed numerous episodes of “Family Ties,” as well as the feature films “D2: The Mighty Ducks” and “George of the Jungle.”

In this history of these marriage announcements, we’ve seen twists and turns. We’ve been through the shit and we’ve come out better for it. But never in my life did I think we’d get the holy grail – the son of the dude who directed the greatest feature film of our generation, D2: The Mighty Ducks. Can’t even imagine the type of shit he’s got floating around his storage unit – Banks jerseys, relics from Mr. Ducksworth’s office, Bombay’s peacoat. Dan, if you’re reading this, you know where my DMs are. I want to be best friends with you.

“I lived beneath the Hollywood sign, and she lived clear across town,” Mr. Weisman said. “Sitting in all of that traffic just wasn’t fun anymore. We may as well have been living in different states, so we took what seemed like the next logical step.”

Humblebrag a little more there, Dan. We get it, dude, you’re a closer. No need to rub it in.

In the coming months, they would travel to Hawaii, Panama, Cuba, Mexico, Japan, France, Germany and Colombia, among other places.

It wouldn’t be an Insufferable New York Times Marriage Announcement if they weren’t traveling the globe like Carmen Sandiego. And I think this all occurred before that whole embargo thing was lifted by Cuba, so this dude had some ins. But that’s just what comes with living the life of a sanitary wipe mogul like Dan.

They were married on Jan. 14 at the Riverhorse on Main, a restaurant in Park City, Utah, with a rustic-meets-elegant vibe and dark wood floors, exposed brick walls, stone and metal accents and a front-of-the-house atrium that overlooks the town’s busy Main Street, where the couple went to take pre-wedding photos.

I tried looking up the cost for this Pinterest masterpiece of a wedding venue but it didn’t work. After all, when you reach a certain pricepoint, it’s almost untasteful to post it publicly. Rich people stuff, you’ll learn about it once you reach the level that Dan and I have.

Once the wedding conlcuded and it was time for speeches, well, things went over well.

Several guests cheered, others cried, all of them knowing that somewhere between the madhouse that was Los Angeles and the tranquillity that is Nashville, the bride and groom had come to each other’s rescue.

How dare the author of this piece make a pun of rescue dogs for the sake of a closing sentence. You disgust me, New York Times. But as is tradition with these columns, there are always some tidbits at the end that didn’t make the cut for the main column. Brace yourself, because this week’s was a doozie.

The bride wore an ivory lace strapless gown with a short train from a designer she couldn’t name. The groom wore a custom blue sport coat, a chambray Carhartt shirt, RRL jeans, an oversize Margiela belt buckle and custom suede Lucchese Chelsea boots.

If I’ve learned anything after living in Texas for two years, it’s that you’re not really closing deals unless you’re wearing a pair of custom Luccheses. Good for him.

The couple began their wedding day with an early morning yoga session at Tadasana in Park City to continue their streak of over 450 consecutive days of yoga. “Since Aug. 1, 2015, we have done more hours of yoga than there have been days on the calendar,” the bride said.

Dammit, Dan. Just when I thought you were perfect, they had to slide this in at the end. You need rest days, man. You’re going to overwork yourself. Recovery is key to your health. But if you’re ever in the area, hit me up.

[via New York Times]

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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