The Workday Doesn’t Start Until I Take A Dump

The Workday Doesn’t Start Until I Take A Dump

Every Monday, my team and I have a status meeting to discuss the prior week and what we have on the agenda for the current week. I’m usually on the ball and ready to roll, but for some reason, this Monday was a bit different.

At first I thought it was a case of the Mondays. No one likes Monday meetings, or Mondays in general, but they are an unfortunate necessity. Maybe it is because I’m still shaking a cold from the forty degree weather swing that keeps happening. I always get sick around the time the weather goes from shorts weather to snow back to shorts in the span of three days.I hate when I’m not on my game, and I knew was that I wasn’t firing on all cylinders.

After the meeting, I figured I’d try the ol’ caffeine trick. “I’m probably tired; that’s it.” I went to bed a little later than normal but that has never stopped me in the past. I usually don’t drink coffee unless it is absolutely necessary. Once I drank all the Joe, I felt that stomach rumble and hastily headed to the Batcave (my favorite toilet). It welcomed me with open arms (no one was in it) and even had the fresh blue color in the bowl, meaning I got the first poop of the day in it.

I do some of my best thinking on the pot. As I sat there, pondering the meaning of life, I was trying to figure out what was wrong and why I couldn’t put it into fourth gear. As I flushed away last night’s dinner, I felt a wave of relief, as if something inside of me had awoken and kick started my body. I felt great, like I was in my element. Maybe like a grizzly catching a salmon.

Then it hit me: my workday doesn’t start until I take a morning dump.

From there, I was attacking the day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. I’m a pretty regular 9-9:15 a.m. kind of pooper. When my body doesn’t cooperate or it’s just not ready, my entire day’s gait is thrown off and I’m not nearly as effective. How am I supposed to work without clear bowels? I have not the slightest idea. Like a well-balanced diet, the morning work dump is both functional and metaphorical. You gotta start fresh, and the workday doesn’t start until it is out with the old and in with the new.

Right now, you’re probably sitting there thinking, “Well, no shit you have to empty the chambers.” This has never really been a problem for me. I always wondered what Jamie Lee Curtis meant with her Activia commercials. She got up on her high horse about how important being regular was, but as someone with a stellar BM track record, I didn’t realize what I had until it wasn’t working at full capacity. While I kind of get where Mrs. Lee Curtis is coming from, it definitely gave me a dose of reality on how lucky I am to not need probiotic yogurt or caffeine to lay my morning bricks.

If you’re ever having an off day, ask yourself, “Did I send the log down the flume today?” Chances are, this is what’s holding you back from having a productive work day. Sometimes you need to get by with a little help from your friend, coffee.

Image via Shutterstock

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I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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