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It’s the most wonderful time of the year, with lace thongs cameltoeing, and contour that’s glowing, in lovely Shanghai.
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show kicks off on public broadcast November 28th and I couldn’t be more excited.
The VS show has been a staple of American culture since 1995, and it only gets better each and every year. 2017 is set to be a drama-filled affair with issues ranging from travel visas, to filming limitations. The show is filmed twice for editing purposes (they don’t want us seeing any screw-ups, a la PETA attacking Gisele Bundchen on the runway) so photos from the show are already out on the model’s Instagrams and the internet large. Regardless of leaks, everyone should be watching on the 28th to see the show in its entirety.
To spice things up a bit, I’ve created a drinking game to get you substantially fucked up on a Tuesday night if you play right. You’re welcome.
Take A Drink Every Time Bella Hadid Looks Like She Wants To Die
You can pretty much just keep your drink on your lips every time Bella’s on the screen for this one. Talk about a resting bitch face. Most of the girls will at least give a smile once they reach the end of the runway, but Bella rocks the ice queen look exclusively.
I’m a much bigger Gigi fan myself so when the opportunity to rag on Bella arises I’m always ready to join in. With no Gigi to balance out the Hadid equation, there’s going to be a surplus of sour faces by Bella this year, I’m guessing.
Take One Shot for Every $1 Million The Fantasy Bra Is Worth
The cost has already been revealed so you can have your liquor ready.
This year’s fantasy bra will be worn by the stunning Lais Ribeiro and is worth $2 million dollars (so two shots) which is a downgrade from last year’s $3 million-dollar/3-shot bra. The fantasy bra reveal is one of my favorite parts of the show, not only because they featured girl wearing it always puts on an amazing performance but also because I can’t get over the sheer excessiveness of it. The idea of having such valuable jewels pushed up against my boobs is almost unfathomable as I watch the show while wearing one of the many clearance bras I got for under $20 when the Aerie at the mall went out of business.
Take Five Sips of Your Drink for Every Elaborate Set of Angel Wings
The girls are called Victoria’s Secret Angels, and there should be at least three models sporting oversized wings. Commentators love to share how heavy these contraptions are. They’ll make these girls out to be martyrs for having 25 pounds strapped to their back while they stomp down the runway. To the stage managers applauding these girls for not falling over with their wings on, you should see me carry all of my groceries up to my third-floor apartment in one trip, that’s real determination.
Take A Drink Every Time A Model Mentions How Beautiful Shanghai Is
Obviously, they’re happy to be there, but I know for a fact the girls are going to be lying through their teeth about how nice the city is and how much they love China. We know damn well the air quality in Shanghai is terrible, and the models have to make sure they don’t piss off officials too much and run the risk of getting banned from the country. I wouldn’t pass up a trip to China either, but the phoniness during interviews is inevitable. You should be able to get at least five or six drinks in you from this rule.
Finish Your Drink for Every Guy You Know Who “Isn’t Allowed to Watch The Show”
I’ve heard that some women don’t like the idea of their significant other watching and will forbid them from tuning in and seeing almost naked women strutting down the runway. When you’re done downing your drink, you can also pour one out for your buddy that is clearly whipped beyond saving.
Rest assured, I will 100% be making my boyfriend watch with me so I have someone to discuss with about good/bad ensembles, Harry Style’s performance, and who I think is the prettiest. The women that don’t want the men in their life watching have to realize that Adrianna Lima or Taylor Hill don’t want your washed-up man who does data entry for a living. I don’t care if my boyfriend thinks the models are hot, because I know they’re never going to be thinking of him in any way, shape, or form. That’s not me being mean, it’s just the truth.
Take A Shot for Every Tweet you See from Someone Starting Their Diet Tomorrow
This is the rule that may land you in the ER with alcohol poisoning. Seeing someone who is 5’10” and weighs 100 pounds is a real catalyst for women who have been putting off their 21-Day Fix plan for months. For some reason, the person who tweets about this is always a very normal size, and doesn’t need to be watching their weight. They will start their crash diet after watching the show and have no long-term plan. They will fall back into eating whatever they want two days later, but start the cycle again when the 2018 VS show rolls around.
I hope you all enjoy the show as much as I know I will. If anyone wants to buy me a limited addition Shanghai 2017 Robe, I obviously won’t say no. Cheers to all of you, but more importantly cheers to all the VS Angels. You are perfect, and I’m in love with all of you (except you, Bella Hadid). .
Image via Shutterstock