======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Group dinners are an absolute beating. You know Sarah is going to show up late, you know Jeff is going to drink about five more drinks than everyone else, and you know there’s going to be that awkward “alright, how are we divvying this up” conversation at the end. Yes, it’s always going to end with someone biting the bullet and tossing in their Chase Sapphire.
Which means one thing and one thing only – Venmo receipts are about to get dolled out like adderall at a bachelor party.
Money ruins friendships, families, and businesses alike. And even though Venmo made it a hell of a lot easier to pay your dues, there are still some social intricacies that need to get sorted out before Sarah says, “Honestly, like, how dare she charge me for that? I don’t even like edamame.”
Never request money if not previously discussed.
There’s no bigger asshole in the world than the drunk friend who regretfully buys a round of shots only to toss out a hungover Venmo request for said shots. Yes, Venmo has created a world of accountability, but that doesn’t wash you of the stupid drunk decisions you deserve to have anxiety over. I mean, yeah, I couldn’t have forecasted that the Patron shots were going to be $14 each at that hotel bar either, Chip – but that’s why I didn’t offer to buy any.
If you sit down for a group dinner, establish the rules early and often. Take control, get the credit card points, and tell everyone, “Yeah, I’ll just Venmo everyone.” Sure, there’s going to be someone who orders the steak when someone else orders the caesar, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles at group dinners.
Fulfill your requests within a reasonable amount of time.
No one wants to be the negative Nancy who has to send a reminder or follow-up text. If you can’t spare the thirty bucks your friend covered you for, you probably shouldn’t be going out in the first place.
Yes, Venmo has a “remind” feature for your slacker friends who somehow hope you forget that you paid for the group. But that should be seldom used. Emily blacked out the night before when you sent it? Yeah, remind her in the morning. But when it’s been three days and Emily still hasn’t paid you for your utility bill, it’s time you reassess the type of person Emily is.
Never utter the words, “My Venmo isn’t working.”
There’s always one in the group.
Venmo has a five-star rating on iTunes based on over 900 reviews. Venmo was acquired by Braintree for $26.2 million only for Braintree to be acquired by PayPal for $800 million in 2013. So, uh, yeah, pretty sure Venmo has the means to make sure all their customers are able to easily fire off money to one another. Outside of shitty cab drivers who refuse to take credit cards, there’s pretty much no one in the world who make it difficult for other people to literally hand them money.
“My Venmo isn’t working” is code for, “I’m hoping you forget I owe you this money.” Missing a credit card payment is one thing, but defaulting on your friend’s is just downright despicable.
Be discreet.
You’re buying drugs. We know this. If Venmo was a person, he’d look similar to Christopher Moltisanti, and that’s not a good thing. Yes, people are going to be jokesters who put “Tommy paid Derek for BLOW JOBS!” and those people aren’t funny. Making that joke is the digital equivalent of playing the “Penis Game” in a movie theater after the age of 14.
For your sake, adjust your settings so only you and the other parties see what you’re sending. Using the cigarette and needle emojis to signify that you paid someone for dinner the night before is lame. And if you are actually paying someone for cigarettes and needles, you’re worse than the friend who claims their Venmo isn’t working. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Thanks, Internet Guy.
People who still haven’t downloaded Venmo are the absolute worst. If I owe you $22 for a tank top for a bachelorette party and you live half way across the country, don’t expect me to mail you check.
I guess I’m the absolute worst because I have no intention of ever using Venmo
Everyone discreetly looks down on you behind your back. But if you’re ok with that
Oh yeah, it really keeps me up at night
You’re the same guy that doesn’t download Uber/Lyft. The worst.
Have both actually, dick
Or chase quickpay.
Dave Ruff wouldn’t want you in his network
I also have don’t have Venmo. I pay for a round/dinner/tab/ect and then the next time someone else pays and it pretty much evens out. Otherwise, drunk credit card roulette! If I owe you for a group vacation, bachelor party, or something else, I type your name and address into my online bill pay and you get a check delivered to your home in 3 days. Done and done.
Don’t be the guy who buys a pitcher of beer and expects that to “even out” the round of golf that was paid for earlier.
A check? What century are you living in? Just pay me with virtual money like a real 21st century human.
Exactly, don’t give me a chore. Now I have to go to the bank….
Also, never send a payment as Isis fund. Feds will lock your profile and seize your funds.
Yeah we’re gonna need more back story on this
I’ve never been this big of an imbecile, but a friend tried to Venmo his rent with that as the description. Apparently he’s currently under federal investigation.
This has to be explained
Some cross-grandex promotion but I remember this story from TFM
http://totalfratmove.com/the-time-the-government-seized-my-venmo-account/
Had a friend get his venmo account frozen from charging a colleague for Persian food they had for lunch one workday. Guess Persians are uniformly frowned upon
We call them Iranians now
Not just limited to venmo but this reminded me how much I despise the people that go out to do all the group activities but never want to pay or complain they’re broke.
Fun game: after tying one on for an evening with your friends, send out random Venmo requests the next morning and see who assumes they owe you and pays it.
Venmo makes march madness pools so much easier
When I go out with a group of friends we all just get our separate bill. Whats so hard about that?
But how do you get all your points?
It’s hard for the server
Speaking as a former server, it’s not that hard. It’s just a little more inconvenient but it’s a 100% unavoidable part of the job.
As a former server too, I found that splitting the check got me more tip money. For one, you are pleasing the request of the customer. Secondly, you’re spreading out the likelihood of finding the heavy tippers in the group. In my experience, the person who throws down the card and venmo’s everyone is typically the tightwad who’s got their checkbook balanced daily and busts out the calculator for the obligatory 15%.
If you’re going to go changing your name around, may I suggest…Al Borland.
Not getting a joke because you don’t have twitter.
Here’s a hot take: Twitter sucks, and is the worst form of social media.
No.
Beard, flannel, large forehead, from Detroit….
I have a friend who really likes to be the one to volunteer to take the hit then Venmo req everyone, but she forgets to actually do the req probably 50% of the time. Maybe more. It’s great.
How hard is it to just say “uh separate checks please?” If you’re buying food to share it, share it generously, but chalk it up to being your problem on the bill. if you expect everyone to venmo an amount less than 5 bucks you’re gonna have a bad time.
If it’s split between two couples at a 4 top, I get it. But if it’s a bachelor party or big dinner outing and you’re making the waiter split it 10 ways you’re kind of a dick. Just my opinion.