It’s summertime, and if you’re anything like me, you’re looking to dominate the pool this weekend. Sometimes I find myself gazing out my window thinking about all the Pacifico I’m going to slam, and how stupid I’m going to make everyone look when it’s my turn to jump off the board. Read this, take notes, and consult a doctor before attempting any of the following:
10. Toothpick (Pencil? Who cares? It sucks)
What is it?: You jump off the board like a huge dork, arms firmly placed against your body and legs together in the least cool way imaginable.
Truth be told, this doesn’t even deserve mention, but I needed to send a message to all the toothpickers out there: Stop. What are you doing? Unless you’ve entered into a lamest splash competition and there’s a significant amount of cash on the line, then stop toothpicking. It’s weak, and anyone unlucky enough to have seen you will pack up and leave in disgust. How shitty is the toothpick? I couldn’t even find a video of it, although to be honest, I didn’t look that hard because I didn’t want to set off any dork alarms with IT.
9. Lemon Drop
What is it?: You wrap up in cannonball position, and roll forward off the diving board. Hilarity ensues, kinda.
You’re probably not likely to go home with any babes after lemon dropping at the local swim hole, but you may earn a few laughs. That’s pretty much it. Lemon dropping won’t have anyone jumping off the bench waving towels, but people will acknowledge the fact that you didn’t do something lame like a toothpick.
Note: Some refuse to recognize a forward roll as a lemondrop, but I am of the school of thought that both forward and backward rolls are lemondrops. It won’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, though. It’s not cool enough to argue over.
8. Front Flip
What is it?: You do a front flip off the board.
Front flips are only acceptable if one of your buddies is throwing a Nerf ball to you as you get sick air off the board. If you just run out there and do a flip for no reason, people will think you’re a try-hard, which you are.
7. Traditional Dive
What is it?: Head first, arms out, can’t lose — kidding, you can totally lose. If done improperly, you look like a total clown.
I added the above video because I respect innovation, and Bill K’s 360 dive is both shitty and innovative. There’s something about a traditional dive that’s elitist. If it were a major, it’d be The Masters. If it were a Mighty Duck, it’d be Adam Banks. Growing up, those that were unable to execute a dive were ridiculed relentlessly. If you can’t execute a flawless dive, and you’re dumb enough to try one, be prepared to be mocked in the same fashion as someone who can’t throw a perfect spiral.
What is it?: Landing on your back, regardless of how you ended up there.
Much like its counterpart, the bellyflop, the backbuster is known for inflicting pain. Those who have executed a backbuster will feel completely numb from head to toe, but it will be worth it when everyone at the pool cringes and offers to buy you a beer. Expect to hear, “Hey, you’re that guy that busted his back. Can I buy you a beer?” and “Dude, are you dead?”
What is it?: If you don’t know, then you probably hate liberty.
The bellyflop is the ultimate funny guy move. If you’re a little bit out of shape, and you’re looking for a way to take the attention away from the dudes with chiseled abs, your best move is to flop. The flop is a tried and true method to let the entire pool know that you’re trying to party. Some babes may be disgusted, but there’s always that one that’s respectable looking that will appreciate your sense of humor.
4. Flying Squirrel
What is it?: Jump high as fuck, and reach back and hold your feet until impact. If you release early, you have not executed a flying squirrel. If you fail to yell, “Flying Squirrel!” then you have failed to execute a flying squirrel.
I’ve been accused of overrating this, but I stand by the ranking. The flying squirrel, or squirrel for short, is a classic, and nobody will expect it. Just when the entire pool is tired of your diving board antics, here you come with this little curveball to get the people going. I’m a firm believer that one must announce the flying squirrel at some point between the initial bounce and the double foot-grab. That’s the way we’ve always done it, and we’re not changing now.
What is it? Jump forward into a backflip. Get laid.
The gainer is perhaps the most difficult. Beta males need not apply. If not properly executed, there’s a high risk of Greg Louganising your head on the board. If you do that, your pool day is done because of all the new concussion protocols and stuff. But if you nail it, every dude at the pool will high-five you, and someone will toss you a couple cold ones before you’re even out of the water. High risk, high reward.
2. Can Opener
What is it? Lean back, knee tucked, splash city.
The can opener is perhaps the most underrated of all. Known in many circles as a bad boy move, the ‘opener is to the cannonball as the ECW was to WWF. It’s not for everyone, and if you’re lacking a certain edge about you, don’t even try it. People can spot a poser from a mile away, or just from the other end of the pool. If executed properly, its splash is second to none — not even the cannonball.
What is it? It’s a cannonball, dumbass.
Respect the King. It doesn’t matter if you’re at a quiet little watering hole, a public pool, or some douchey pool-club hybrid in Vegas: the ‘ball is the ultimate alpha entrance into the water. Rather than flipping, or being graceful, the cannonball is a giant middle finger to everyone at the pool and to the water itself. You basically just kicked everyone in the pool in the stomach and dropped a stunner on them, but they aren’t even mad. Of course, there will be splash, and anyone within a 20 feet should prepare to get wet — if they weren’t already. Executing a perfect ‘ball will win the approval of all in attendance. The guy who cannonballs is the guy who double-fists beers and is still coherent at the end of the night..
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